Something I forgot to mention is how gorgeous the weather was yesterday, and today for that matter. This is full on summer to a Scot like me. Which does lead me to wonder how I'll manage the actual San Diego summer, ah well, I suppose I'll acclimatise to that too. Meanwhile I'd better not let myself bring out the summer wardrobe just yet, or I'll have nothing cooler to wear when it gets close to 30C.

*mental note* STOP THINKING IN CENTIGRADE

Hrm.

Odd weekend.

Nice seeing Granny, and I'm VERY glad her car was found in decent condition. I had some information confirmed that I'm really unhappy to know wasn't just me making too many assumptions, but there's nothing to do for now but pray.

~Ash.

Having ranted I feel better. Though knowing it was pure miscommunication won't make me feel any better about the worry he's going to decide he doens't want to keep me on after all.

Bad week at work. Kind of. It seems like any time I'm doing something specifically at Vincenzo's request, I screw it up completely. Usually because he has given me less than half of the neccesary information, and I follow the way I do stuff for Mayra (which usually works great) only he wants something different and doesn't tell me.

Like today for instance, I was developing two western blots I've run for him. When I went to him yesterday to ask which two primary antibodies he wanted me to use, he handed me two primary antibodies he'd just bought, and said "probe with these two" I managed to get the concentration neccesary out of him, and away I went. Now this morning I took them out of the antibodies, and threw out the antibody solutions, as I always do for Mayra because she'd said it wasn't worth keeping them, they grow stuff and are no good.

When I showed him the results, he said "but where is the control" What control? I wanted you to run each of these in turn with a control... But you said to "use these two" so I did...

AND he'd wanted me to keep the antibody solutions to re-use...and and and WAGH!

Oh, and my hips and shoulders are still adding percussive accompanyment to my daily activities.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I feel very strongly that my mind has suffered from being put through the narrow view of a British degree. Not that the specific subject matter was particularly bad of course, but the absence of the kind of "general education requirements" found in US universities has meant that I haven't done a literature class for 6 years. I was good at literature. Hell, it was the writing prizes I won at school, not the science ones.

I went for a science degree not particularly because it was my strongest subject, but because I knew I'd be able to pull it off, and a science based degree seemed vastly more likely to lead into a career than a humanities degree. (Unless you're like my Dad and a quiet genius in your own field, which he has turned scientific anyway...) Now I find myself feeling uneducated, because though I'm still relatively well read for someone of my age, I'm no longer spectacularly well read compared to my peer group. My friends doing biochem degrees are working so incredibly hard, and on top of all the structural, molecular and metabolic whatnots, they are doing political science and literature classes. Again and again I come up against my utter lack of knowledge in fields I am interested in. I suppose it's better than assuming I know more than everyone does, but I need to get this lump of neurons on top of my spinal cord to start working properly again. I will never know if it was the depression of the past years or the medication that helped me shed the worst of it that's affected my learning abilities so, but I need to kickstart my language zones again.

I need to learn more about the possibilities of my chosen religious path, that's part of the path itself after all. I need to stop feeling so damned slug-brained. When I think back on it I really don't remember studying effectively since I was last in San Diego, and that frightens me. I've seen how age changes learning abilities and I'm 22. The longer I delay now, the less likely I will be to ever learn French, or upgrade my German from "Ich verstehe nichts" to conversational levels.

I've had the feeling of needing to get my body in shape most of my life, now for the first time I'm realising that it's not just my muscles that could do with a workout, it's my neurons too.

Ow.

Next time Snowboarding should be me against the mountain, not me against my own rebelliously incompetant body.

Fun though.

Continuting in the alternate reality theme for today, I got told by a Japanese woman from my building that I'm "always so quiet" Me. Quiet. Being told this by a soft-spoken Japanese girl.

I'm sure I'll wake up eventually...

Colour.

Color.

Hrmmm.....that one's still a tie.

filtre

FILTRE

f-i-l-t-r-e...

*frown*

It still looks wrong.

It's official.

I have now been in the US way too long. I just typed "filtre" and it looks intrinsically wrong to me now. Never mind the fact that the US spelling differences really do make more sense...we're talking tradition here. The Brittish tradition of sticking to stuff even when it doesn't make much sense any more.

Heigh ho. I guess I shall just have to have tea and crumpets tonight to make up for it.

No armchair yet, it apparently got delayed by the Superbowl. We all know how those comfychairs love to watch football...

On a completely random note, I've got my ankles back. Odd statement I know, but since the summer my ankles have been these alien beings, the combinaiton of smoking, high caffiene intake, little exercise and being on an SSRI conspired to give me an attack of frightening sausage-foot.

My ankles haven't really looked right to me since. The other night I was sitting in front of the fire and realised that I actually have boniness and tendons back. WOOHOO! Small victory, but when most of my body has a distinct lack of boniness, it's good when something that's supposed to be bony really is. I will definately keep stretching my legs often so as to maintain this trend. Just imagine the jubilation when I get hip-bones back! Not that they ever stuck out a great deal, even when I was a size 10, but there was more definition than I currently have. I remember exactly what my hip looked like when I got my first tattoo.

This evening I get to swim 15 laps, since the last swim I did 10.

Meh. Work sucks when there's nothing to do. I feel like a fraud for getting a paycheck for this! Not that I'm really complaining. It's just very frustrating when there really is nothing to do and my boss wanders past and tells me it's rather sad that I don't have the initiative to find stuff to do.

I've inventoried the DNA samples from the mice, I've counted our stock solutions and made up spares, I've chased Mayra asking for jobs to do, I've randomly re-ordered drawers of equipment and test tubes. Of course, when it's time to clean the incubators (which would be a great nobrainer for today) I've got shitloads of stuff I have to get set up and end up staying at work till 7pm. Maybe I'll eventually get it sorted out so the nobrainer stuff gets done when I've got nothing better to do, rather than after the important stuff at 9am on a SATURDAY morning.

*melodramatic sigh* It's such a hard life here in San Diego with no co-dependant creatures to eat my salary but me and the tax man.

Speaking of co-dependant leeches..no calls from you know who yet...may it long continue thus.

22.

Twenty-two.

Zwei-und-Zwanzig.

Veintidos.

Um.

Thingy.

I've run out of languages but hey, my point is: Why does that sound so much less young than 21?

This may be the first time it won't take me half the year to remember that my age has changed, with all that's happened the past year or so, not to mention actually graduating, 21 just didn't seem grown up enough to cover how much I've learned all of a sudden.

It's also the last of those legal landmark ages, until I hit retirement.

Lets wait and see how I handle 25 (quarter of a century: makes a girl think...) and 30 though. If I start contemplating plastic surgery, somebody please shoot me.

Bloody typical innit? I get all maudlin and mopey in the anticipation, and on the actual day it really doesn't bug me. Starting the day out with my parents calling to say hi was a good thing, it made up for not actually being in the same country with them. They were surprised that I didn't have some big blowout party planned, but up until maybe last night I really didn't feel like planning any kind of "do" All I really want to do tonight is sit about with the Faeries and watch ER. Maybe with some booze involved. I'm so boring.

I'm toying with the idea of inviting some other ppl over, but I know K'wyn and 'Lia have a paper due tomorrow so prolly best to wait till the weekend for any celebration. It's prolly really bad form to wait till the actual day to start thinking about organising a gathering, but I really do better with after the fact birthday parties anyway, that way the inticipaiton isn't spoiled by my pre-birthday depression. I didn't tell Mum and Dad that was why I hadn't planned anything yet, I think in some ways it would help Mum to know she's not alone in her mourning, but then she'd feel bad that it affected me. *shrug* Best not to call her in tears when she's most likely feeling pretty low herself.

Meanwhile...is it really that wrong to hope very much not to get a birthday call from some people?

This is one of the harder times of year for me. Especially right now, the week preceding my birthday. This is the week in which my Uncle died. On my 18th birthday he called (I thought to wish me happy birthday) and told my Mum his cancer had come back, in a different place this time, so we knew there was nothing to do but wait for the end. Almost exactly a year later he died. So my birthday has become a remembrance of death more than a celebration of life.

There's kind of a running theme of being far from family, the frustration of being so far from California when we wanted to do something to ease Glenn's pain, and reliving that by feeling the distance I've put between myself and my parents by moving back to California. Classic homesickness I suppose. I always feel homesick when there's some special event, like our housewarming/open house yesterday. It reminds me how far away I am from a lot of the people I'd really want to invite along. Living in europe wouldn't solve it, it would just mean missing the people I'm around NOW instead of the people I left in the UK. Whine whine, no solution...DEAL WITH IT ROSE-POSE

Part of me wishes for one of those sit-com cliche surprise parties, a wish which is always tempered by the knowledge that half the people I'd want to be there live on the wrong side of the Atlantic, but mostly I just want the week to be over and done with because I'm crying much to easily. Especially since there's really nothing I should be crying about.

I had a really great weekend, second hand clothes shopping with Colin, followed by resisting the pull of the giant lips loveseat and buying a big comfy chair for my room. Yup, I bought a new armchair, in a fabric of my choice, and I can afford it. How very strange that feels. I don't want to get used to buying stuff without guilt, because someday I'll forget to see if I actually can afford whatever it is and end up in debt!

Colin and I tried on many variations on the silly hat theme, and I laughed so much I'm sure I was in danger of developing a hernia. Mixed into the hilarity was a lot of good talking without any particular direction and the occasional running over a dead skunk. Well, ok, we only did that once, and it was by accident, but it really STANK. Ever tried to stop laughing at the stink when every time you take a breath to laugh you get a nice big dose of skunkyness??

Colin has been around for my last two birthdays, he took me down to the Gaslamp to wander around photographing random stuff when I turned 20, and he visited me in London in time to come to my "Birthday dinner" when I turned 21. It's kind of funny that he's been around more than my parents have for my birthdays! Not their fault, I've lived in a different city form them since I was 18. It's just rather amusing that I now have a birthday tradition of "hang out with Colin"

Perhaps it's the actual day itself that's the problem, I've always had great celebrations the weekend after, or even 3 weeks later, but on the day itself I just feel sad and lonely. Even if every family member calls to say happy birthday, like they did when I was a kid. My birthday is one of the few days when I really wish I were grade-school age again, because that’s when your birthdays were just FUN. Cake and presents in bed for breakfast, getting to have a party with fireworks in the garden, all that good stuff. Birthdays away from family are one of the reasons I dread my first Christmas alone. The best bits of those days are the whole sitting about with tea and cake and just celebrating and enjoying being there it never even felt like it was celebrating me specifically, it was an excuse for group family fun. I looked forward to my sister's birthday and my parents almost as much. April fool's day too. It's the traditional innocent fun days that I miss. That's the best bit about being a kid.

I've not forgotten how to have fun, but somewhere along the way the days that were supposed to be all about that good natured feeling have fallen by the wayside and become odd days I don't know what to do with any more.

The 15th was my mother's 60th birthday. Now both of my parents are sexegenarians. *giggle* You wouldn't guess it to look at em...

The pool is very nice, kept at just the right temperature to encourage you to keep moving without inducing hypothermia and ranging from 3-1/2 to a spectacular 4-1/2 feet deep. It's also a good thought that I'm not paying directly for that heating bill, it's included in my rent and split between everyone else in the complex. It is a little disconcerting to think that half the apartments in the building look out over the pool. Potentially making little ol' me their evening entertainment. Don't look up. Well...do look up, but focus on the square of starry sky, not the looming balconies.

I was imagining a Jimmy Stewart type in a wheelchair overlooking my regular exercise and tutting to himself when I only did 10 laps instead of 20 or more like I should. Or commenting to his no-nonsense middle aged physio on my *ahem* boyancy

I watch way too much Hitchcock.

Having made it though the whole move without my back going ping, I put it out last night by forgetting to be careful shoving my dresser back against the wall. Not as bad as it's been before, though going over the speed bumps at work was interesting. Hello swimming pool, hello hot tub. Which I'd been meaning to do anyway.

Way. To. Go.
Why, do you ask, is there a lime green stripe down the entire driver's side of my dark red car? Because there's lime green paint on the pillars in the parking lot at my new apartment complex, that's why...

Good God that looks so morbid.

*ahem* I am doing so much better than I have in the past years it's unbelievable. It just goes to show all emotions are relative. Put it this way, this time last year I was barely coping with the help of therapy and antidepressants (AND smoking AND way too much food) now I'm doing pretty damn good with the occasional cigarette and no extraneous drugs. Unless you count pearl tea.

I suppose it's only natural to come back to a low-level sadness once the newness of getting settled in has worn off. I keep reminding myself that after Sunday I won't have to move homes again for 12 months. Once that sinks in I'll probably be sleeping better again.

Marc sweetie, I know you probably don't get a chance to read this, but if you ever do, I'm glad I got to talk to you last night. The feeling that I've got such a fan as you means a lot to me when I'm doubting myself.

There's a lot of things needing to be said or thought through right now, going into them while I'm at work is most likely not going to happen. That's one of many reasons it probably won't go up *here* added to the fact that much of it may come out as accusation when it's not intended to be so. I've used this forum to accuse before, though mostly it was the action of yelling it out that was the most important. So if I do happen to "talk" it out here, it's not aimed at anyone, it's my need to talk.

January 6th, epiphany, will be a new start for us three, moving into the new apartment and setting down our roots for at least 12 months. Considering I've been pretty much in transit since the end of August that's a big step forward. The 6th was supposed to be a different kind of new start, on the other side of the continent, but that path is gone. Not closed off, simply not there. The realisation of what we had planned to be happening this week, and what ended up happening, hit me hard last night. There's still an internal battle between feeling like a fool for letting myself be blind for so long, and anger/resentment for being so ill used. Whichever one is on top temporarily, mostly it just plain hurts.

I actually managed to survive the LA freeway experience. With my Dad in the car. I've not decided yet whether that helped or added to the challenge.

Christmas shopping happened yesterday after the dinner. I found something for everyone, inculding me...the Williams Sonoma "Harvest Market" plates I loved in the catalog were 1/2 price, putting them from extortionate to somewhat of a treat for myself. I don't intend to let them get banged up like my student days stuff though, I'd rather buy stuff I WANT to keep for years than whatever's cheapest.

Uh-oh, here comes the fog again, maybe I should head home before it's dark and foggy, rather than just foggy.

~R.

Random patches of fog on the way in to work today, sometimes the road was above the fogline, sometimes it was below it, as in, low enough for the fog to have blown over the top so dead ahead was clear, but above the light was hazy. Very unusual, but very San Diego too.

Yum yum yum yum yum. God help me, I'd forgotten just how good GOOD Italian food really is. Yay @ Dr Alberto Hayek for taking the lab out en masse for a sampler lunch.

Now I have to decide if it's really safe for me to go Christmas shopping on half a glass of wine and some delicious grub, I might be feeling just a little bit too good and end up buying the store! I'm still trying to figure out if it's appropriate for me to give gifts to some people, and if so, what the hell to get them.

*yaaaaaawn* nap time.

~Ash~

Just to clarify a bit, I wasn't having a bad day when I put up that last, just being struck by just how many of my friends have struggled with depression at one time or another in their (relatively) short lives. Of course, you could also say that since I suffer from bouts of anxiety disorder, I am more likely to feel some friendly bond with people who are prone to it too. Good point, but it's not just my friends I'm talking about, it's a documented trend.

K'wyn put it rather more sensibly than I tonight: for most of us the basic needs of food and shelter are pretty much taken care of, we don't have to hunt/gather food and keep off the sabre-toothed tigers, nor do we have to slave all day in the mines (at the risk of our own lives) to put food on the table. So we are caught up by more ephemeral essentials like "making something of yourself" and such like. I've read a similar analysis of why Freud came to belive that the whole world was sex-crazed. His patients were well-off Victorians, the only thing they were really deprived of was sexual freedom, so more often than not it became the seat of their neuroses.

OK, rant over. For now.

muah hah hah

They say that college, or the late teens/early 20s are the best time in your life. The times that you'll look back on from the lofty age of 40 and wish you were there again. I think "they" are talking complete bollocks.

Yet another fellow 20-something has revealed themselves to be recovering from a bout of depression that has lasted at least 3-4 years. That means that almost everyone I know of my own age has now had some form of depression or anxiety problem in the past 5 years. For some it's an ongoing struggle, and for others it's a "bad patch" that only lasts a few months in response to a specific incident in their lives. I've not quite figured out which I am.

Is it that we are a generation of weak willed whiners? Or is it that we are brought up expecting so much of life and of ourselves that the occasional dance with depression is utterly unavoidable? I find that my strongest fear is that of somehow messing up. "What have done now?" "I'm going to fuck this up" That kind of happy stuff. When I sit back and think about that it makes me wonder what image of life I'm trying to adhere to that I'm so afraid I'll get it "wrong". I'm not trying to be President, nothing of the kind; my honest goal is to be self sufficient and able to be useful to others more often than I am a burden to them.

Life is faster paced now; we have more knowledge stuffed into our heads by the age of 20 than our parents' generation did. Not just book learning, but seeing the reality of life in a way that was impossible 50 years ago because there was censorship on television programs. I'm not saying that our parents are uninformed mind you, but how many of them were shown images of people dying of AIDS in Africa to scare them off having sex at age 14?

In so many ways my generation has grown up in a war zone. Even those in peaceable nations. We are surrounded and bombarded with images of war. Children starving, political prisoners of conscience with terrible torture scars, terrorists blowing up a subway station or a shopping centre. An ordinary civilian can now see almost as much as the soldier on the front line. Of course it lacks the immediacy of direct experience, but it is harrowing nonetheless.

If you refer back to my response to the terrorist attacks of September 11th , I talked about how commonplace horror has become to us. However, a couple of hundred years ago, there would have been dead and dying homeless people lying out in plain view right outside my former university, and we would have walked right past. We put a higher value on the individual's life now, and the price we pay for that is to expect much from every individual. On the surface it seems as though we are destroying ourselves with technology and information, but if the internal struggles are a symptom of every single life being irreplaceable and important, making us feel pressure to excel in some unique way, I think it's not so bad after all. As long as we know that it's more unique and outstanding to be a peaceful, contented person and raise a happy family than it is to lead a country or invent a new weapon.

*drumroll*

I got me wheeeeeeeeeeells!

From the dealership on Encinitas Blvd, a 92 Ford Escort with really low mileage (55k). YAY not having to take the bus.

Hrmmm, first viewing of potential car yesterday. The guy seemed like a wheeler-dealer (no pun intended), the car had a NEW scratch on the driver's door, which I suspect HE caused, the tires were worn way down, and had never been rotated, the milage was twice what I'm looking for in a '95, the seatbelt warning beeper kept going off randomly while I was driving. But even with all that, the engine seemed to be in really good condiiton. Very strange mix of good/negligent care of the car. The real clincher (besides the electric problem and the driver's window being stuck 3/4 up) was the total and utter lack of service records. All he knew was that the previous owner had washed it in holy water regularly. I kid you not. Maybe that's another reason why it just didn't feel like a "me" car: overzealous christian engine-blessing in lieu of proper maintenance.

The search continues. Even though I know it would be a big risk to commit myself to buying a new car, it's starting to be more and more appealing, the whole not buying someone else's problems thing. Hey-ho, I'll keep looking. There isn't a new car out that I REALLY want and can afford anyway. Maybe when the Matrix has been out for a couple years I'll look into it.

Why autopilot doesn't seem to make the slightest bit of difference after all
1.DNA wasn't really needed asap anyway.
2. Three ml of 1M ammonium dind't make much difference in a litre of buffer solution, the western blot SEEMED to work ok.

Why Autopilot isn't a good thing when still settling into a job
1. Trying to extract DNA in the cold room instead of at room temp
2. Re-pHing a buffer solution with ammonium ions instead of hydroxide ions (do you think they'll notice??)

And for my next trick...

I've been neglecting the blogging recently, but it's hard to get pensive at work when I shouldn't be spending long periods of time online anyway, and I'm not going on at home at all really. So it'll probebly be mere status reports until I get myself sorted out with my own machine, and it's own connection. IE, when we move into our new place (and I have money)

I passed my DMV driving test this morning, I feel SO much better now that's done, and I'm finding lots of Ford Escorts in my price range, it's what I've decided on as my best bet going be prices, what's available and consumerreports.org reccomendations. With luck I may even be able to afford a '95 Escort Wagon AND a computer. Woohoo.

I'm off to learn tissue culture now.

Prayers for K'wyn, as always, but stronger for recent events' sake.

I came on to blog about the cool stuff in my life, like getting settled into the job and feeling like I'm finally finding my feet. But I'm having a negativity attack because I'km scared I won't pass my driving test on Monday, so I'm gonna stop before I whine way too much.

WAAAAAGH!

I just looked down at my garnet ring and one of the marcasites is gone. It's such a silly thing, but I'm really upset, I love this ring. I hope the others are more secure, I'm afraid to look into having the marcasite replaced, it'll prolly cost more than the ring did in the first place.

A friend of mine is about to have a baby. It's due on the 10th, but she's already having contractions, so maybe little Isabella is impatient. It's really exciting, I just wish I lived closer to Mon so that I could visit with her and take her flowers.

I admit that it would be scary if she were my own age, but she's 30, and already has a 5 year old, so even though we're good friends, it doesn't have the "Oh God, that could be me soon" feeling. I hope everything goes smoothly, she's been taking very good care of herself and has good docters, so she should be fine.

I met the mice today, they're cute. Poor little buggers. But the whole place is kept very clean, they're well looked after. I managed to avoid being bitten, buit it's only a matter of time.

Managed not to fall asleep at the confocal microscope, it helped that the imaging actually WORKED this time.

Heaven protect me from falling asleep in front of the confocal microscope. the combination of 3-4pm, working on 4 hours sleep, and a dark room with quiet machine humming sounds... = zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nothing WHATSOEVER for me to do today. I got in a few minutes late to get introduced to the mice. My co-worker actually gets the same bus in as me, only I missed the 7.35 one today and got the 8.40 one.

So I'm sitting here at the workstation trying to look busy while figuring out if it would be bad of me to say I've got some errands I can go take care of while I'm not needed...

To get to work an hour later, I still have to go out the door only 1/2 an hour later than on Friday. Might as well do the insanely early thing then.

The grumble monster is giving me shit again. Tempting me to rename him "Guilt-Trip Man", with his sidekick "Mudslinging Boy" I'm beyond the stage of anger by a long way, and I find my main response to all this is to shake my head ruefully and go on to the next email. I'm sorry that it's not getting better, and I worry about how badly he must be feeling to lash out so frequently but is it really worth making any effort when I'm going to get shit from someone no matter what I do?

I will not always be consistant, and I won't always be able to put my feelings towards someone into words, I am after all (mostly) human, but I try very hard to make sure my actions don't contradict what I say. It would be dumb of me to say I don't feel comfortable giving someone the opportunity to have constant contact with me, then hand them my cell phone number. Yeah, sure, I can chose not to answer, but even repetative voice-mailing can feel like harrasment. I am trying really hard to be fair, but I can't ignore my own misgivings.

When it comes down to it isn't it up to me how I chose to behave? If I give every sodding person I meet my phone number, apart from one, that's my perogative. Not a very good one addmittedly, but I don't see why I should feel guilty for sticking to what I'm comfortable with. I reckon I'm allowed to keep some things private if I feel I'll be harrassed if I share. It could be paranoia, but it's paranoia fuelled by direct experience. Oftentimes known as "caution"

Just because I'm saying I'm hurt and afraid of being hurt more, it doens't mean no-one else is hurt, or allowed to be upset. All I can legitimately comment on is me, it's the only thing I have the most direct experience of. And knowing me as I do, I can guarantee that guilt tripping, accusations, hissy fits and pouting are not the way to my heart. In fact they've been pretty conclusively proved to be the most direct route OUT of my affections.

Maybe I'm only trying to be civil to assuage my concience after supporting him for five months against my better judgement, then leaving him to fend for himself with nothing to show for it but a nice apartment, a new bed and a car. Maybe I'm only staying in touch so I can get my money back. If I wanted it back that badly, I would have a lawyer already working on it.

Actions really do speak louder than words, if you say you don't want something, but take it anyway, it's obvious you want it, but were trying to convince yourself or others that you weren't greedy (or needy, as the case may be). If you say you want to stay, but then leave, you wanted to leave all along. If you say you want to be friends, and then grouch and whine and accuse when someone doesn't fulfil your expectations or requirements, you want a servant, not a friend. If you claim to respect someone then violate their privacy, you never respected them, or you don't know the meaning of respect. If you say you're hurt and resentful, but still make some attempts at contact, then maybe, just maybe it means you don't want to sever all ties and pretend the other person doesn't exist.

Right now it seems like whatever I do or say I will be accused of being underhanded and playing "mind games" I'm not controlled enough to play mind games for fucks sake. I made damn sure of that after experiencing a fair portion of mind games from "friends" years ago.

I read somewhere recently that you can assess a man's character by how he reacts to a woman, a child and a flat tire. It seems trite, but it's a good analagy. That little "test" can show how they deal with people who are generally percieved to be of a "different species" (thus drawing analagies to both sexism and racism), how well they relax and play while still being responsible with a small person, and how they deal with an annoying inconvenience. That's the crux here: dealing with adversity is the biggest test of a person's character. Whether you stomp and rage at a small setback, or smile and get on with it, your whole attitute to life is encapsulated in how you deal when things go wrong. Or even when they just don't go right. Especially when it's something small. Throwing a tantrum at something small is easily the biggest brightest warning light possible. Responding to misfortune with bitterness and accusations comes a close second.

I was extremely angery and bitter when I arrived in San Diego, the angryness dissolved quicker than I expected, and the bitterness only rears it's head infrequently. The worst thing left is the feeling that I have been foolish and not taken care of myself or my future. I hate helplessness more than anything, and I managed to impose it on myself AGAIN. Not good.

Now I am trying my best to establish myself as an independant being, the financial aspect of indepedance being the most important for now because you can never be truly emotionally independent unless you're a hermit. It's not easy to suddenly have so many more things on my plate to think about, but I'm surprising myself by not being terrified and running back to Mummy and Daddy. There've been ups and downs of course, but the majority of it has been me bieng frustrated at myself, and at things not taking off. Now they ARE taking off my priority is to keep them going and to keep myself from going back into a hole. Yeurp, my priority is ME, becasue if I don't look after myself then someone else will end up having to do it, and that's not fair on them.

If that's offensive, then so be it. I think it's a pretty good balance, because if I take care of me, I'll be better able to help other people take care of themselves too, rather than making it harder for everyone. You help no-one by being self destructive, especially those who care about you.

So, no, I'm not going to do absolutely everything I can think of to assuage the wrath of the grumble monster. I can't if I'm going to be a happy sane person, I need to feel safe from harrassment. The grumble monster demands respect, but respect cannot be taken or demanded, it can only be earned. I'm beginning to suspect that he would rather have pretended respect than actually earn the real stuff.

Yay Harry Potter Movie, very cool. Lots of great Brit actors who hardly ever come out to play nowadays too.

Stinky stuff stinky stuff, oh how I love thee stinky stuff... my first job today was to set up and start running a gel, with the STINKIEST marker substance possible. Very ammonia-heavy, and there was only about 3ml of the stuff. Imagine a whole litre of it!

So far everyone is very nice, a mix of nationalities, a couple of Aussies, one english guy, and at least 2 italians (the italians are the bosses) Besides taking notes on the science of it all, and where stuff is, I'm tempted to write down everyone's names, so I don't embarrass myself later!

Hah, my gel is nearly finished running, I'd better go have a look at it.

I hate APPLES!!! I enlarged the window and it bloody well decided to reload the page and LOSE the blog I'd already typed out. I couldn't post before doing it because the window was too small to get to the post and publish button. Now I can't get my blog page to load. Strange. I wonder if it's something to do with the ftp or something.

I start work tomorrow. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I'm really excited, and also nervous. Not looking forward to getting up and out that early though. With decent amounts of practice I should also be able to get my license in a couple weeks, so then I'll only have one stage left: purchasing a vehicle.

I've been running through lots of stuff in my head, but I can never remember it when I sit down to a computer. It's nothing big and scary, just filtering through the events of my life, the past year or so more specifically. At some point I'll prolly get round to typing it out.

I start work on Friday. Hello 7am bus.

If I ever saw an incentive to pass my driving test, it's the bus schedule. I'm contemplating calling the DMV and booking a test for 2 weeks time from now, but I need to find out what I'm doing about a car to take the test in, and about how it'll fit in with work. Meh, it'll work out.

Freeway driving. Eeeeeep. OK, it's not actually as terrifying as I thought my first foray into 60+mph traffic would be, but I was lucky, it was traf-FIC, not traf-FUCK.

I'm doing ok with all the principles, I just need more practice, I'll have to figure out a way to do that, and sort out what car I'm taking the test in. The guy that's teaching me will let you do the test in his car, but I have no idea when I'll be READY to do the test. The sooner the better, and I'm not far off really, I just need more driving time. Another thing: that "no hand over hand" thing they teach in the UK, it's CRAP, you make turns so much more smoothly by just moving one hand from one side to the other, no little push/pull movements. We finally figured out that was my biggest problem. Right turns too, because even though a left turn crosses traffic, I'm more used to making the car go to the left from learning in the UK and doing the "easy" turns there. I will try to subject Granny to my driving a couple times over Thanksgiving, that way I'll also be trying out a bigger car. Not exactly a land boat, but getting there.

As far as the rest of my life goes, I'll be very glad when I finally do have a car and I can do my own thing. It's not just that I know I'm getting underfoot and adding to the tension by my lack on independence, it's that the option of truly buggering off for a bit, going off for a drive, or just going somewhere for coffee by myself, isn't open to me, because to do that I have to cadge a ride, which defeats the purpose of me time. It's that whole house arrest feeling. I think it gets to me more because it feels too much like how I was in London, where walking to the local stores was fine, but if I tried to head out to the subway station to go into town prob=per, or into college, I was too panicky to even get to the end of my street. So even though this immobility is more from external sources, the echoes of my behavior when I was depressed make it worse than it really is sometimes. There's nothing that can change about it immediately, I'm doing the driving lessons and that's the way to go, it's just the most frustrating thing about not being fully mobile here. If it were only a question of getting to work, I'd be fine with the bus, it's cheaper, but going anywhere involves a car here.

It seems like no-one is happy with the status quo, usually being unhappy with something does bugger all to change it, but this status quo will not be quo for very long. Gargh, that's a horrible sentence. But you know what I mean. (hint: it's getting better all the time)

I went to the Gospel Choir concert last night, it was really enjoyable, Ken makes the audience not just be an audience, telling us to introduce ourselves to everyone sitting near us and stuff. It's a nice change from classical concerts where you're afraid to start clapping in case it's just the end of a movement, not the whole piece. K'wyn was nervous about her duet, but it sounded really good, I know how disorienting it can be to sing with a mic, add a big audience and a song you've had 6 days to learn and I'd see leaving the country as a better option than performing!

Yesterday was nice, I sat out in the back yard talking on my phone for a total of almost 2 hours. First was an old friend I'd all but written off, I didn't honestly think we'd ever really be in touch again. It's always nice to be proven wrong on those things. Then my parents called for the weekly update.

I even managed to sit out in the sun without getting burned, though my forearms do look a little browner, it's brown, not pink!

I just received an email from Dr Cirulli at the Whittier asking me when I want to start. So I HAVE A JOB!!

Which makes getting the driving license even more imperative, but till then there is the bus.

Connoisseur.

No particular reason, I just wanted to remind myself how to spell it.

Ah, Job update also: Aurora want someone with more experience. Scripps were just giving me a general interview so that they have more info on their files in case anyone likes the look of my resume. The Whittier has sent me an official application form, and that seems to be going promisingly. I'm not going to be happy until I have the contract in my hand though.

At what point did a car become such an important factor in my life? Oh...yeah...when I moved to CALIFORNIA!

The car verdict: second hand, preferably not much more than $4-5k. Yes it took me long enough to come round to the obvious answer, but I got carried away with the whole "I'm going to be earning" thing. Rosie needs reality checks now and then, and if I agree with em I won't be upset for having the obvious pointed out to me!

In many ways my position could be seen as roughly parallel to that of a recent divorcee, though I am much more fortunate than many in that situation. I don't have completely crap credit for one, I just have none. But I am learning to think of myself as an individual (again) and realising what's important to me. I also have the whole "newly graduated" life adjustment to make. No more exams and essays, now it's job seeking, flat seeking, and figuring out how I'm going to pay for it all...which leads back to job seeking. Once I get one of them sorted the others will become easier, though I'll have a few problems trying to buy a car with a blank credit history and no job!

I thought that I was doing well, and I guess realistically I am, but I didn't expect to be crying so much. I'm getting upset more often than I was even when I felt there was no going forward. It's a very different kind of crying though, it's just a way to vent the pressure, and the emotions that built up over the past months of going in the wrong direction. I'm learning the difference between normal tension and when it's time to start back on the meds (dahlink). It's hard to accept that being upset and tearful, even at random times, doesn't mean I'm on my way down again. There's a subtle difference in the things that run through my mind when I'm crying, even if I'm downright sobbing it doesn't feel so...desperate?

Is it because I know I'm finally on the right track? One of them anyway. I can actually look ahead and realistically see things working out. This time last year I was picturing myself being either in SD or Atlanta, looking for a job, but I didn't really believe it, it didn't feel real, because I couldn't honestly imagine what it would feel like.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you...Graduation, the best antidepressant of them all.

Although the last blog was posted in response to something that was taken somewhat out of context, I'm leaving it up because I felt that way before, I just wasn't near a computer at the time. I won't feel whole until I have a job and am as self sufficient as I should be. That means not imposing on people more than one can help in the normal course of sharing a house.

Yesterday evening K'wyn, Lia and I went for coffee and we got to talking about cars, and the purchase thereof, this has been one of the many things weighing on my mind, as I know I've got very little clue how to pick a car, the pros and cons of new versus used blah blah. I took the opportunity to ask both of them why they chose the car the have, and what they'd do differently if they could. During the course of the conversation it became clear to me that my parents way of thinking won't work in California, as I will be driving an average of 40 miles a day just going to and from work, so spending a couple thousand on a car and having it last 4-5 years is not really going to happen here. So point one is:I will have to take out a loan to get a reliable car whether or not I get a used one.

Of course, this made me think of the position I would be in if I still had the money lost over the past year, and lead to much internal wrangling between resentment of another, and anger at myself. Suffice it to say that from my research today, that money would have enabled me to get an extremely comfortable compact car, with all the fixings (not leather seats, I hate em) and have paid for it entirely inside 2 years, with lower interest rates too. All is not lost of course, I have the ability to pay one off in 5 years easily, but it's the principal of the thing. I just thank the Money Gods that my credit rating has not been affected, better non existent than actively bad. The global community hasn't grown efficient enough to use my British credit as an example. I suppose I could ask for a reference from my bank.

The seeming magnitude of the task of preparing myself adequately to make the "right" decision terrified me, and that combined with general fear of falling off the ladder with the weight of these new burdens made me extremely upset. I'm afraid that it lead to me snapping at K'wyn and it took much patience on her part to help me figure out what I was really upset about. Life in general would be a fair diagnosis, but breaking it down into little tasks always helps. For one, I need to tell her or Lia, or any good friend when the subject matter is making me upset, it's a hell of a lot better then running off in tears with no explanation. On the practical front, I need to decide what car I realistically want, and go to a couple dealers and see what they can offer me. If there's something coming off lease that still has some of its warrantee left, that would be perfect. That I have pretty much done today, going to independent consumer report sites on the web and starting out with the safest small cars, and going from there. I found that a new bug wouldn't be THAT frivolous for me to get, but a Toyota Echo would prolly be the best bet. It would be a trade off between safety rating and reliability. Oh, and funkiness versus price.

Now I need to find out about getting my parents to cosign and stuff like that.

I am a non-person right now. I can walk to the grocery store, or phone around gathering information on apartments, but anything beyond that requires transport, and I don't have that yet.

In retrospect, yes, I should have taken the time to get my driving license while I was at UCSD, or while I was still in the UK, but it just didn't fit in, it seemed far less important than passing my degree, or avoiding Westminster Bridge. So for now I'm an invasive pain in the ass.

I don't have a bank account, because there's no point until I get a job. Nor do I have a US credit rating because I've lived in the UK almost all my life and having a credit card with a high limit there for three years without getting in debt doesn't count for anything over here.

I'm afraid to touch anything in case I break it or move it to the wrong place. As of today I'm not too keen on talking either. Perhaps it's the problem of living with someone more exacting and sensitive than me, up until now, I've always been the picky one, now I'm the nuisance. Until I can be sure I'm not going to be taken the wrong way I might as well stick to my room and pretend I don't exist.

That pretty much sums it up: I do not exist as a person. I'm a collection of noises and inconveniences. Right now this irritation has some flat hunting to do.

Aw, fuck. Apparently I'm still weak and cowardly. Pardon me for realising that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is so concerned with his pride that he attacks me when I'm ill for not "trusting" him. Every other issue aside, that one single incident is enough to show that there was something seriously wrong.

I guess I'm officially single then. Am I a complete idiot for somehow expecting him to end up agreeing with me that we had irreconcilable differences? All very well to keep saying we can talk it through, work it out, blah blah, but some things will never change no matter how much you run verbal circles around them. What it comes down to is how someone makes you feel, about life and about yourself. I felt like I was continuously being patted on the head for saying something dumb, being called a coward for seeing what I wanted to do and going towards it, even if it meant walking away from other aspects of my life. A month or so ago I posted something about "taking the easy way out" on Sept 30th in fact.

I don't understand how anyone could see the way I have chosen to live my life "taking the easy road" I have not exactly given myself ridiculously large challenges, but I have never gone for something because it looked easy, I make my choices according to what feels right. so far it has worked well for me, I have managed to get to 21 with no regrets, aside from the usual wishing I'd studied harder. I mean that, absolutely no regrets, and it feels so good to be able to say that.

If I had wanted to take the easy road, I would have stayed in Edinburgh, had my Mum feed me all through university, avoided hassle form Kenny about going to London. I would have not gone on the exchange to UCSD, I would have stayed home (again) and would quite possible still be with Kenny right now. No offence intended, but that would just be so WRONG. Time and time again, I'll say to myself "OK, I'll stick this out, see if it gets better" and a day, or three days or maybe even an hour later I will find myself coming back to that decision and worrying at it, because it feels wrong. Out of place, dishonest, whatever you want to call it, it feels wrong to me.

There's some part of me that will not allow me to stick to a decision that is wrong for me, I used to think I was good at fooling myself, I still do, but when it really comes down to it, I cannot keep blindsiding myself. The upshot of that is that it will take me a long time to realise that something is not workin gout, but once I realise it, I know it for certain. That is hard on those around me, and I am trying to get myself a nice little "early warning" system so I don't end up changing tacks out of the blue.

Is it taking the easy way out when you fix on the decision that leaves you at peace? Any other solution I've tried for this has left me churning and unable to get on with anything else, because I keep coming back to it as a piece that doesn't fit.

I'm repeating myself. Partly because I'm upset, even though I know it's the right thing, it's always emotional to make such a big change. I regret nothing, but I am sorry to have hurt someone who helped me through such a hard time. It's a trite phrase to use, but Blessed Be, I hope you realise your full potential someday, and that you find someone to be beside you when you do.

~Rose/Ash~

DEATH TO THE LESSER SPOTTED PIXIE OF SPLATTINESS

Boy trouble still rules supreme in the world of the Combat Faeries. OK, maybe not quite so much for K'wyn, she's got some potentially good boy stuff going on too. But in general, the consensus is: they cause WAY too much trouble.

I am having extremely mixed feelings about the concept of relationships as a whole right now. As much as I miss being able to curl up safe with someone, the knowledge that it's highly unlikely that you actually ARE safe keeps me from missing it that much. Despite being a romantic at heart, I'm turning into a cynic for now, so don't be surprised if any advice or opinion I give on romance is tinged with "why bother" sentiments.

HAH! first step on the way towards a driving liscence is complete. I've passed my written test, so now I can get lessons.

$#&&*$%@$#T U#&$@$#$^%^*&*(&*()(^&%$#!$#$*%&* professors! Not remembering if I graduated or not...you think he might have mentioned that when *I* contacted him about a reference...

How much of the stress we experience in life is created by our own expectations and outlook? Quite a lot from what I've seen. Not that anyone does it on purpose, but I'm finding I really need to take a big step back once in a while and think about what actually matters. NOTHING that has happened in the past weeks has gotten to me nearly as much as the smallest things did before. Probably a sign that I'm doing something right.

Well...I guess there's a first time for everything.

The interview went well, he seems to really want me to come work there, but since I haven't applied through the official channels (he contacted me after seeing my resume elsewhere) he has to go through the motions of interviewing a couple other people, and then show me to the human resources people in about 10 days. Then I'd be officially taken on a 6 month contract (to make it easier to get me working asap) though I'd only have to leave at the end of that if thing went seriously badly.

It's the Whittier Institute of Diabetes, and I'd be working on breeding and maintaining trans-genic mice, and carrying out investigations using fetal pancreatic tissues and hopefully stem-cells. I have no idea what the time frame is for me to be officially accepted as an applicant/worker. But it looks good.

Oh, and the parents (and sibling) may be visiting for Christmas, taking advantage of the lower airfares following Sept 11th.

My first thought was that I didnt want them to visit until I was more established, had the apartment sorted out and a car and everything, but really, it would be nice to see them. This would be my first Christmas without them otherwise, and that wasn't something I looked forward to. This way they can help me with the car-buying process too, which would mean I don't have to impose on anyone else for help so much.

Mum will also get to take advantage of my Costco membership. Teehee.

Time to read up on the pancreas. Oh Joy. Two publications to read, off the computer screen too, as I'm not going to waste that much ink by printing them.

I feel so grown-up, I've got a membership to the Price Club before my Mum has one. HAH!

It also means I'm officially K'wyn's "optional spouse" *ahem*

Today has been a slightly expensive one, but it's all "set up" costs. I'm realising I really should get myself a bank account and credit card here so that I actually HAVE a credit rating.

If I could give one gift to my close friends right now, it would be peace of mind. Unfortunately I'm not in a position to do that, all I can do is reassure them that life goes on, and somehow it takes you with it.

The closest I can get is to offer this book It seems a strange substitute, but having immersed myself in the whole series, I realise the moral is: whatever life throws at you, illness, death, political intrigue, even idiot cousins called Ivan...you just go on. Improvise, blag your way through life with as much honor as you can manage, and somehow, you come out all right at the end of it. Tired, but happy. It seems silly that a scifi novel series can do that, but it really does.

Take heart my friends, it gets better from here. Go curl up with some chocolate and a good book.

Life is seldom fair, but it's a damn sight more fun than the alternative.

TWO more job interviews lined up. Yay me.

Give an inch and they take a mile, hell, OFFER a millimetre and they take a mile.

You know who you are.

On the subject of transport, I am nearer a clear idea of my game plan. Inbetween car good, as my insurance premiums will be higher for the first three years that I drive here. To afford an inbetween car that lasts me almost 3 years, I shall prolly have to wait until I'm actually working. Sooo....ideally, borrow VW for first month or so of work/liscence possesion, then get a second hand car that will hopefully last me a couple years. If I can't borrow the VW, I'll have less money to buy a car with, but will try to get one asap, and hope it lasts me a couple years!

Ooooh, someone at Scripps showed someone ELSE at another lab my resume and they've contacted me about a job. Heh, I must look more impressive on paper than I thought.

Which brings me back to the Aurora situation. I got a call this morning from Aurora Human Resources, saying that Jim Rader had got mixed informaiton from my referees. Apparently some of them weren't that sure if I'd GRADUATED. WTF?? I think what it probably was, is that Marcus Rattray was being nice and trying to downplay my 3rd class status, and it came across as him being unsure whether I actually had a degree or not. Chances are Jim Rader doesn't know that UK degrees are graded, *I* wasn't about to point it out to him, cause then I'd have to also point out that mine was graded as 3rd class...

Need transport to get to job. Need job to afford transport that won't leave me stranded. Hrmmmm. Ok, so I need a liscence before all of those, but it doesn't hurt to plan ahead while I'm reading my handbook does it?

Yeah, ideally I'd wait until I've been working long enough to get a loan for a car. Which means imposing on others quite a lot until then. Not acceptable.

Funny how Mum seems to have completely forgotten how close to impossible it is to get around without a car here. "Just wait till you've been working a while, then you can get a reliable safe car with side impact bars..." Side impact bars are her big thing. I completely understand wanting me to be in a safe car, especially having seen some of the drivers around here. The more I think about it, the more I think I may end up going for a Toyota Corolla like Kw'yn's, because they seem to be such a good balance of cost, safety and reliability. And then we'd match of course. I know the VW cab of my aunt's is not the most tank-like of objects, but if I start work b4 I have a car it would be so useful to be able to borrow it. It's very much preferable to no car. ESPECIALLY if I manage to start work when K'wyn has finals.

GRAWR. There's a lot of chicken and egg stuff going on right now. Can't get a decent car till I have a job, can't get to work without transport. Can't get a job wihtout experience, can't get experience without a job. All that I can extrapolate from this chain is that the job is the facilitator to solving most problems here. However, just beccause the job is the most important, does that mean I everything else has to wait until I have one?? I'm certainly planning to already know which car I plan to get by the time I can afford a decent one, but is it a spectacular waste of time and money to get an "inbetween" car and make it last as long as possible, THEN get a new one later on, when I will be more financially stable anyway? Hrm. Time to argue with parents again. If I can borrow the VW, then no inbetween car, but if not, I vote for an inbetweenie.

I guess the NEXT most important thing is whether my vote actually counts!

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to jobandflatandcar hunt we go...

Phew, saved from evil professor by a post-doc who actually SAW me doing practical stuff in the lab. Said evil professor is a neurobiologist who does not believe in the existance of depression as a disease. It's clearly a choice we flaky students make to become miserable recluses, afraid to leave the apartment for fear of, well, just for fear. Or maybe for fear of having to deal with insensitive professors ne?

The trip up to the mountains was also extremely good for the general Faerie Cohort morale, both of us were able to do a much needed cobweb clearing of the brain. Mountain air is good for that.

A weekend in the life of Agent Ash, Combat Faerie
It's been a long weekend, but mostly in the good way. That makes a nice change. Going along to a flatwarming party with K'wyn on friday helped a lot to alleviate the black mood, but it came back on saturday morning when a parcel arrived containing a few items of sentimental value, one of which was a photo I took when I was 15. It is newly scratched by the shattered glass that accompanied it in the parcel. Glass frames with no wood around them to protect the edges have a habit of breaking when mailed with only three layers of cellophane to protect them. I really don't like having my temper on such a hair trigger, it doesn't feel at all like me.

Many problems can be fixed by asian market and BOBA. So K'wyn and I went off to battle the crowds and purchase asian-style yummables for the week, and then went to Lollicup for my first pearl tea in a year and a half. Followed by a trip to the Japanese market, which has a section for pottery and china. I was bad, I spent $34. but for that $34 I got a sake set (two flasks and five cups), two little sauce dishes that can double as ash trays, a little china cat chopstick-prop with spots, the same as the one I have with stripes on it, and four mugs with a pretty design on them. Ohhh, I manabed to buy FOUR of something in a Japanese shop! Heehee, guess which objects are designed to be sold to westerners with no idea of the 1,2,3 DEATH, 5,6... problem?? Apparently most Japanese now say "yi" instead of "shi" just to avoid that problem. That little pearl of knowledge came from Mr Doyle (no, not the real name, the screen name) who came over saturday evening. He and K'wyn also had a lot in common with their interests in Japan, and Anime, so the three of us talked for a long time before he and I went out to wander and catch up by ourselves, yet again we talked till nearly dawn, unless we figure out how to have a conversation that's less than 9 hours long it'll be hard to find time slots for coffee together! He's one of the frankest people I know, and that is extremely refreshing to me after knowing far to many people who bend and reshape the truth according to their mood. (admittedly most of those have been women, makes me feel ashamed to be one sometimes)

Sunday I dragged myself out of bed after 4 hours sleep to get on the road to Julien. YAY fresh-baked bread. YAY apple pie. YAY hoarshound losenges (yeuchy but they work) YAY cheap strings of stones. Between us K'wyn and I bought malachite, lapis-lazuli, rose quartz, garnets, carnelian, and a second string of garnets to give to our third initiate into the circle of Combat Faeries: Agent Ophelia.

Ophelia had organised an expidition to investigate the newest representaion of our kind, namely A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Old Globe theatre. We were all mightlily impressed wiht it, it's always a fun play, and the faeries really were combat faeries this time, as they were bedecked with elbow and knee pads and DM boots. The choreography of the arguments between the four lovers was fantastic, much flinging around of poor little Hermia, and the Helena was a great comic turn, very tall and gangly, which is perfect for her. Puck was also great, an asian guy with pink in his hair to echo his pink velour suit, he was perfectly pixie-ish and very graceful on roller blades, skateboard and space-hopper. Yes I said space-hopper, it was in 1960's clothing. Kind of.

I have also located my parents. They were in Vienna for 4 days, so that's sorted out.

Shower time.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I haven't been this angry for as long as I can remember. It's just sitting and stewing in my guts, waiting for a chance to leap up out of my throat and do some damage and I don't like it. It's not really ME.

It makes me madder that it's possible to turn me from a good mood to this mad with only one sentence. I know what this is, this is manic/agressive. I've not had this since I Was 17. Woooo, don't you just feel so SPECIAL? I have to get out of here, go smoke a cigarette, bang my fists agains a wall, SOMETHING. Just to clear out the awful frustration that I've let someone hurt me this much.

I suppose I should have know I'd get like this sometime, and it's nowhere near as bad as it's been before, there's still a couple other threads of thought running, I'm still aware of my surroundings. Like the fact that I'm sitting next to a stranger, and I hope she doesn't look over because I don't know what my face looks like right know, but I'm pretty sure I'm not exactly projecting happy contented vibes.

And as fast as I can type about it, it passes. But I'm leaving this up, as a reminder, though to whom I'm not sure. You probably know who you are.

*ahem* Have just logged into my Mum's hotmail account, and found that she had set the filters to exclusive, and no addressbook entry for little me. So Rosie was in the junk mail folder, which she prolly hasn't thought to check, lord knows how many emails have actually been DELETED without being read because of that. Cue Rosie rearranging mummy's address book for her, then sending a slightly snooty email pointing out the joys of looking in the sodding junk mail folder once in a while just in case.

Yeah, I'm pissy, but it would be nice if my mum actually GOT my emails. I need support and stuff right now.

*grumble grumble grumble*

Oh, I'm really not a happy bunny now. Have just recieved an email requesting Novembers 1/2 of rent. Yes, it was agreed, but it's still not a good subject at ALL for me. It just makes me want to throw my hands up in disgust and stomp about and yell.

I don't know when it switched from sensible redistribution of wealth to feeling like I'm being used, but that switch was so long ago now that I am probably going to be terminally touchy about serious money matters for a considerable space of time. I'm never going to be someone who freaks out over $5, but I am a lot less cool with lending than I once was, maybe a good thing actually, to be cautious, but I don't like being cautious and bitter.

~R.

I'm somewhat concerned by the lack of contact from the parents. I know my mum rarely checks her email, so it's easily possible for her to not get a message / reply to it for a few days (yes, I count every 3rd day as rarely, though maybe infrequently would be better) but I know Dad checks his daily when at work, and replies straight off to prevent massive 400 messages waiting to be dealt with incidents. Maybe Dad's out of town, and Mum's not checked her email yet.

I'm such a wee baby, a week and a half with out parental contact and I'm all "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" Nice to know I miss them though, when I've spent a long time there I sometimes wonder if I'll ever want to go back!

~R.

Gah, was downloading shockwave to view the Gorillaz website and it decided to close all my windows. Thus losing the blog I was typing.

I'm in a random mood today, prolly looking forward to the weekend, which seems strange because I'm not working or at school right now. But we've got mucho stuff planned. Tonight I get to see the Cowboy Bebop movie, I watched chapters 2-6 yesterday to get a clue, and I'm looking forward to feature length anime-ness. I really like the look of it, and the intro sequence and credits are great, very '60s action TV show, but less naff. Saturday will be chilling out, then meeting up with Ryan to catch up on the last year+ of stuff. Prolly not actually swing dancing though, I'm very out of practice and he's gone off it, bad combo. SUNDAY is a trip to Julien for herbs, apple juice, general faerie-like prancing around the hills, and de-stressing. Followed by A Midsummers Night's Dream at the old globe, though prolly not the outdoor ye olde style one. Busy busy.

~R.

Urgh urgh urgh. Conflict sucks.

I'm going to go have a ridiculously long shower and wash away the crapness.

JOB UPDATE (just to make it clear)

They like me, they're checking my references and background. The background check people wanted me to fax in a copy of my passport, but then their fax machin was on the blink/out of paper/switched off, so that didn't happen today. It's looking good, but I don't want to hope TOO much and jinx myself.

Ah, I failed to mention that over the weekend K'wyn and I went to ren fayre in Las Vegas, with her Mom, brother, and the Mom's fiance. It was fun, and it was really nice to come back to K'wyn's place as "coming home" afterwards, it made it feel a lot more like home.

The fayre was pretty small-scale. There was alot of stuff I'd seen before at War, or the San Bernadino fayre, only generally worse quality. The most interesting thing was the wide diversity of costume styles in evidence. There were a few Tudors, and a bunch of musketeers (definately pushing the boundaries of when the SCA "period" ends) the requisite older women wearing bodices with no boob-coverage and spilling out and down over them (hint: after having kids, you might need some support other than a chemise) There were two girls wearing fur bikinis, going for the "captured savage" look, some really cool faerie outfits, a bunch of ppl walking around together dressed as their D&D characters (or that's what it looked like) and then the leather/goth/vampire brigade. Not to mention the Xena Warrior princess gone S&M with zebra bodypaint...

My only purchase was a pair of burgundy and gold faerie wings which match my garb perfectly. (yay) They tie on with ribbons instead of elastic, which makes em both more adjustable and more comfy. They also cost the same as wings I've seen in stores, unusual for Renfayre.

So that's the report on the weekend.

As my blog goes the way of every other journal I've kept in my life: more stuff happening, therefore less blogging. You only get to know what's happening when it's boring.

Things with Aurora look really good, as long as my references are ok they luurve me. YAY. I can't believe how well this has gone, K'wyn says I'm due some karmic payback, in the good way, and I guess she's right. Things haven't been horrible, but I've had a fair streak of crapness going on for about 5 years. If not total crapness, a lot of things have started out promising and ended up in the range of blah to disasterous. I'm still not sure which category my degree falls into ;-p

Today I'm going in with K'wyn again, to choir, where Colin will be (yay) I also ran into Nick on campus yesterday.

THIS time I'm remembering how chilly it gets in the evenings on campus. I'd forgotten the whole damp yeuchyness side of SD weather, and bought a sweater yesterday to keep myself from having a comeback of my cold.

Must dash to the shower.

I survived the interview. Me in my smart skirt and jacket, and all the interviewers (almost all anyway) in jeans! One of the women had blue hair too, which is a good sign of a relaxed work environment. It looks like a really great place to work, relaxed friendly atmosphere, but they still get things done, which is the perfect balance to me. In fact I think the relaxed atmosphere is the best way to concentrate on the important things, instead of worrying about office (or lab) politics.

I don't know when I'll hear from them, so I'll keep applying for other jobs, and keep in touch with Aurora to see what happens. Jim Rader, who is basically the one who would be hiring me, said that he thought I'd made a good impression on all the interviewers.

Tomorrow we're going to Ren Fayre in Las Vegas. Looooong drive, I hope my books last me.

I'm knackered now, wanna go home and have hot chocolate and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

~R.

So tomorrow I have an interview. In fact I have my first ever interview that is both scarily intensive AND important to me. Yeah, I have been through the Cambridge interviews but, frankly, I wasn't stressed out about them, because I already had an unconditional offer from Kings and I liked the look of Kings more.

I now have the interview timetable/itinerary, which lets me know that I have a long string of 30-45 minute sessions with different members of the research team. Yeep. My first response being a wish to hide under K'wyn's desk. But then I think about it a bit longer and realise that this way is both a more efficient use of their time, and it's not as hard on me. I won't be the little person on the other side of the table from a large panel of people grilling me. I won't feel outnumbered. They won't have TIME to ask me too many really in-depth questions. I won't be spending so much time around the same people that I feel under attack, and THEY won't be sick of the sight of me by the end of the day. Huh, they're also having me in the same room the whole time, so I'll feel like I'm holding court (!) unlike my Cambridge interview when I had to be herded about from building to building by a "sheep dog" third year student. Hopefully (also unlike my Cambridge interview) everyone will remember that my interview is happening, and won't have to be hunted down before talking to me, thus putting them in a bad mood.

On a more random note, it's nice to be using a keyboard with all the letters still marked on it, and this keyboard feels nice to use too, the keys don't stick, or rattle.

K'wyn has an exam tomorrow at 9.30, and my interview starts at 9am, so it's studying tonight, waking up early tomorrow. I wonder how long it will be before they let me know if they want me at Aurora. It would be so great if I can start up right away, and then concentrate on getting a driving liscence sorted out. And be EARNING too, that would help so many things.

This weekend will be fun too, Ren-Fayre will be a good reward for surviving the interview, even if I'm not in my "real" garb.

Time to go bone up on GABA receptors and epilepsy. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

~R.

I'm actually HERE!

Tha journey was uneventful, apart from all three of my check bags having to be searched b4 I could be given my boarding cards, but we were at the airport so early I got put on earlier flights, so I got to SD at 1-30 instead of 3-30. I'm going into campus today, to hang out with Radiskull, and then I'll be using a computer at K'wyn's work to research for my presentation tomorrow. Eeeeeeep. I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW!!!

On the flight from Houston to SD I sat next to a very nice woman who lives in San Diego, she gave me her phone number so I can let her know if I get the job or not.

OK, time for breakfast.

No sleep for the traveller. Meh, I'm used to it, and I'll catch up.

I started typing a more comprehensive blog, but then the computer froze, so it got lost. The moment is gone.

Suffice it to say that I'm packing, and getting there slowly, the plane leaves tomorrow at about 12-30, but I'll be at the airport at about 7am because it's a choice between getting there 3 hours ahead of take off and Loki getting no sleep b4 work, or getting there 5 hours ahead of take off and me getting a nap before departing the apartment. I can sleep on the journey.

My interview outfit (it took me a LONG time to decide on it) is going in the carryon roller case with my laptop, that way I don't have to worry about my luggage going missing.

Now my mind's ablank, there was lots to say, but I forgot it all in my ire at the damn computer gremlins.

~R.

Been so much to blog about I didn't know where to start so I skipped it to avoid a really LONG random blog.

Getting things straightened out somewhat. Too tired to say more, now I'm mostly stressing about my interview. Going to seek out a shirt tomorrow, since I somehow have managed to have two smart skirts, two smart jackets (one lightweight one heavy) and no smart shirts.

*mental note* STICK TO VEGITARIAN FROZEN MEALS.... whatever they're using for chicken in this thing, it tastes ODD. But then it might be the difference between US and UK farming too, people I know have noticed a difference in the beef. It's prolly the BSE...

Yay, I've set up the archive to work form this page, all by my self. Yeah, yeah, so someone else did all the html coding, and all I did was cut and paste MY links into the approproate spaces, but I managed to do that without messing up. Pretty good for someone who's never done a thing in html before. The aim is to code my whole website myself, instead of relying on pagebuilder to do it for me, just so I can feel the achievement of it being all my work.

I had a scare this morning, my oldest friend was online and said he needed to call me. Marc's always preferred phones to online so that wasn't anything special. Then he tells me a guy he split up with recently is now HIV positive. And logs off. So I'm sitting here madly trying to remember exactly WHEN they split up, and if he's been tested since. It was a very unpleasant few minutes. Marc is in the clear, he got tested in July, and they split up last September. It's a big relief, I'm sad for his ex, and for him, because this is a rather close brush with death for him. I also know that the ex was very irresponsible about his habits, and it frankly doesn't surprise me, people think that HIV has gone away because it's not publicised nearly so much nowadays, but it's still there, still just as deadly.

This is the closest I've ever been to knowing someone who's HIV positive. It's frightening to think of it, this guy is 19 and he probably won't make it much past 30. It's not a "maybe", there's no chemotherapy that could put the disease into remission, there's only hoping you're lucky enough to delay the onset of actual AIDS as long as possible by keeping healthy. My uncle died of cancer, but most cancers are treatable to a certain extent, and many are curable. HIV is still a death sentence, signed the moment you're diagnosed, even taking the drugs as soon as you can will only increase your life expectancy by about 5% at the most.

Marc called me partly because we've been good friends for 6 years, and partly because I'm his "biomedical expert". He wanted someone who knows biology to reassure him that if he's been clear for a year, he most likely really is clear of HIV. I'm glad when I can make people feel better about the scary medical stuff, I'm glad that I can pass on the things I've learned to reassure people. There's so much mystery built up around genetics and other branches of medicine now that people really believe that we can wave a magic wand and turn them into a genetically modified frog, or even change their religion with injections. (I kid you not, K'wyn has actually been asked if her aim in life was to make everyone an atheist by feeding them genetically modified foods...)

On that note, I'm going to go eat. Before I do that I will add a link to Marc's homepage, it's very cool and he loves getting random emails from people who are friends of friends.

~R.