In San Diego State University colours. I think I'll see how my thesis translates to a wordle as well.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wordle - the past 12 months.
In San Diego State University colours. I think I'll see how my thesis translates to a wordle as well.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Ladybug, ladybug
This is a Schacht Ladybug spinning wheel. It is mine. I put it together last night and spun & plied a sample skein in about half the time it would have taken me with a spindle, and with no crick in the muscles between my shoulders from having my left arm raised for an hour or more. I think I am going to have a lot of fun with this gadget.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Fat One
I first found body acceptance/fat acceptance blogs and writers through diet blogs, like Diet Girl. It was '03 or '04 and I was looking for healthy eating / exercise ideas that didn't make me want to stab my own eyeballs out or smash everything in sight (and then eat it). I wrote the bulk of this post in 2004. I kept meaning to come back to it and finish it, but never have.
This week I started learning to eat with Michelle, otherwise known as The Fat Nutritionist. In 2004 I never would have though I'd end up consulting with a nutritional therapist, but in 2004 I was early enough on my journey towards trusting and respecting my body that I still was primarily focused on controlling my weight through diet and exercise. I had yet to realize that was a paradoxical combination and make the decision to follow a Health At Every Size approach. I had yet to have a panic attack in the grocery store because I was completely unable to make a decision about lunch. I had yet to yell at my husband that he needed to not talk to me about food because it was making me crazy. In 2004 I was at a stable weight of about 220, practicing karate and yoga, finally working in a busy lab where I felt respected and useful and feeling stronger and more confident in my body than I ever had.
Since then I got married, had melanoma, had facial surgery and a year of recovery and laser treatments, went on antidepressants, decided to pursue graduate school, applied for graduate school and was accepted, changed labs then quit lab work altogether, struggled to complete my thesis against a growing malaise that the antidepressant was not preventing...all the while gaining weight and having the unpleasant shock of not fitting into my clothes every 6 months or so. I'm heavier than I've ever been, the rapidity of my weight gain frightens me almost as much as my loss in stamina and the aches in my knees.
I am not going on a diet. What I am doing is tapering off the antidepressant, taking beta blockers to help with the 2-3 migraines a week the tapering off causes. I am doing some of the emotional work I was unable to do while studying for my Master's, and this has lead me to a point where I want to cut the food drama and have a healthy relationship with food and my body.
Below the line is the unpublished post from 2004. It's a bit of a ramble, but it's time to get it out of the draft folder.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't remember a time when I was not aware of being "big" or "fat", or some variant on that theme. My elementary school teacher counseled me that I should put my ten year old self on a diet, because it would make me happier, and people would like me more, so I'd be less of a target for the bullying that was making me hate school...
The more I think about it, the more I think I started out as a chunky kid, not medically overweight but taller and broader than those around me, plus some puppy fat. That's how I started, but the responses of people around me led me to believe that I was FAT, and that I needed to do something about it, which led me to worry about my body, and food, and what people thought of my body, and my food, and that's where the struggle started.
I was not a delicate waif of a little girl but dammit, I just looked at photos of myself at ages four through nine and found a chubby girl with a bad haircut and the unfortunate fashion statement of tucking my shirts in, which accentuated my short torso with a small belly roll before I had boobs to overshadow the whole shebang. From nine to twelve or so I became a bit more towards truly overweight I suppose, but the knowledge that it all came off (or redistributed) by age 16 because I grew vertically makes me assign it much more to puppy fat and puberty than to any real weight problem.
In that time period (nine-ish to 16) I was even more aware of being FAT because my mother had an obsession with loose fitting clothes: if you could distingush the shape of your body, it was too tight. This meant that any pants I tried on were all "too tight" because I have the familial large ass, and pants are sort of supposed to be fitted around the ass anyway. The tightness of the pants was not always worded as "those are too tight" it was fairly regularly called "those make your bum look too big", or "but they draw attention to your bum". The mantra of wear dark colours on your lower half so nobody notices your bum is still fairly well ingrained.
Of course, in the early adolescent era there was a new factor growing among peers, that of attractiveness, the ability to snag a boyfriend. I was possibly fortunate that I went to an all girl's school for that part of my life. Possibly. I don't know what it would have been like to be around boys then, if it would have made us all more competative or if we would have banded together in the face of a common enemy. No doubt a bit of both. In my little group of friends at school I was branded the fat one, even though I was one of two girls of a very similar level of chubbiness, I was the fat one for some reason. Probably because by that point I had been told so long that I was fat that I thought of myself that way and included it in my self depricating brand of humour. This trend of being The Fat One, either as something assigned to me by a group, or simply in my own mind, didn't even start to dissipate until I was in my 20's, when being a Brit at a California university changed my distinguishing feature to "the Brit".
I think that the general theme I'm chasing is that I was blissfully body un-aware, and that other people suddenly thrust before me a magic mirror with a picture of a Fat Girl, and told me that the Fat Girl was not a good thing to be. Still more people compounded and supported the argument and before I even hit puberty I had some nice self esteem issues going on the back burner. My memories of how I thought about my body center around having the unpleasant realization that I wasn't the shape I was supposed to be, and that everyone assumed that I would be so much happier if only I'd loose weight. I remember being 12, crying in a changing room when trying to buy clothes for gym class because I was so afraid of the comments I would get if I wore anything other than sweat pants and a gigantic t-shirt. I remember, at 16, being told by a friend that they wanted to set me up with a guy, and not to worry because "he really likes BIG girls!", the only nice part about that incident was the guy himself looking puzzled and saying "you're way skinny for me, I don't know why A. said you were fat..."
I probably had more padding than those girls, I certainly had bigger boobs and wider hips. But I had a waist in the middle, I was hourglass and had no idea how to dress for it, that made me look fatter. Fatter than them at any rate. Why did I have to be stamped with the fat label though? Why did ANYONE have to be "The Fat One". How about "that's Rosie" as a way of distinguishing me from the group? How about something personality based, or a physical attibute that lacks the negative implications? Unfortunately I wasn't the tallest (or shortest) in the group, nor the only one with fair hair, and we all had long hair, so lucky me got to be Piggy.
We had the little one, the tall one (sometime known as: the one with black hair), I guess maybe one girl was the rich one, but if we're sticking to physical assignations she was the one with frizzy hair, and then me, the fat one. We could just as easily have gone with K. is very ticklish, A. has a quick temper, C. knows far too many Monty Python songs and Rosie is disturbingly bouncy in the mornings. There's this unpleasant burning need in so many people or groups of people to point at someone and show how much better they are than that person. In the absence of the ability to use a racial slur without getting into trouble, and since "you're American!" "you're a smartypants" "you're one of those damn morning people" and other such distinguishing features don't come out as particularly good insults... they resort to Fat. Calling someone fat is the only physical comment I can think of that has such wide ranging implications about the target's character and behaviour. Ugly, short, bad hair, smelly...They are all insults, but they don't also imply laziness, gluttony, lack of will power AND an absence of attractiveness, the worst implication I can think of is that "your hair sucks" is also partially a comment on the taste and styling ability of the unfortunate bad-hair victim.
I had a respite from the role of The Fat One when I went to school in Australia and was just one of many passing-through foreign kids at the local elementary school, I didn't stand out there for being a bookworm, or for being foreign, I quickly made friends and fell in love with my new school. There was still a Fat One though: she was called Nyla, and she was sort of annoying and whiny, so she became the target. Everyone called her Fat Nyla, which confused me because she wasn't fat at all, she was the same as everyone else. I found myself joining in when others mocked her, until I saw that I had been Nyla at my old school, and that we were only picking on her because she was the designated kid to tease, then I stopped joining in and made an effort to get to know her. That incident was my first realization that fat (and annoying-ness) is in the eye of the beholder. Not only that, but it taught me that fat is what you call someone you don't like, fatness is bad, so bad that someone you dislike can be referred to as fat, just to summarize their awfulness into one convenient insult that everyone will understand. "Ugly" doesn't cover it, because ugliness is a more ephemeral concept.
Fat is an excellent tool for putting people down because as a category it is hard to break out of. Someone who is called fat is likely to believe the comment, and go away and beat themselves up about it. There will always be someone skinnier, or just about the same frame but with a way smaller ass, or taller and closely resembling a beanpole, but a cute beanpole with a pretty face and legs that look great in shorts. There will always be someone who has a positive feature in a place where you have a flaw, and we notice that far more often than we notice the flip side, the version where we have some enviable physical features they might lack. Neither way of looking at people is particularly helpful, someone always has to loose when there is a comparison involved.
I have largely broken the habit of thinking of myself as The Fat One, which is especially fortunate considering I work around a lot of women who are shorter, lighter, and have more conventionally attractive body shapes (meaning: slim but with enough curves to be clearly female). I'm even taller than most of the guys in the lab, and I'm only 5'8". Now, when I think of it at all, I think of it more as "I'm bigger than you", meaning both taller and bigger around, tempered with the knowledge that I'm pretty physically strong by comparison too. Admittedly, it's not the most healthy place to be, mentally speaking, because there are days when I feel like a lumbering giant, and the phrase "she's a BIG GIRL" pops into my mind. Most days it's the strength I feel, and any fleeting envy I feel for someone else's lovely compact form is tempered by the fact that I like being as tall as I am, I like being able to reach things on shelves and I imagine I'd feel much more vulnerable if I were shorter.
Eating more healthily and trying to work out regularly helps me focus on what my body can do rather than what it looks like and what body says about me as a person, but it still haunts me: The Fat Thing. At a conference, or going to a party where there will be new people, I imagine being mentally categorized as The Fat One when I'm introduced, I feel sure that at least one person will look at me as I walk by and think "Jesus woman, STOP EATING PIES, and don't come out in public until your ass is smaller". When I have job interviews I'm afraid the first thought of my interviewer will be "she's fat" or "she shouldn't be wearing that, she's too fat". I'm afraid of being judged on my appearance, but that isn't because of what shape and size I am, it's because I have spent my whole life being told I'm fat, seeing people call others fat, and realizing what implications come with that label. I worry about being The Fat One because that would mean I am not a person in their eyes, it is the label that burns me, not the adipose tissue deposits on my thighs. Fat doesn't make you feel bad about yourself, assholes make you feel bad.
Unfortunately that means that our culture, as a whole, is an asshole.
This week I started learning to eat with Michelle, otherwise known as The Fat Nutritionist. In 2004 I never would have though I'd end up consulting with a nutritional therapist, but in 2004 I was early enough on my journey towards trusting and respecting my body that I still was primarily focused on controlling my weight through diet and exercise. I had yet to realize that was a paradoxical combination and make the decision to follow a Health At Every Size approach. I had yet to have a panic attack in the grocery store because I was completely unable to make a decision about lunch. I had yet to yell at my husband that he needed to not talk to me about food because it was making me crazy. In 2004 I was at a stable weight of about 220, practicing karate and yoga, finally working in a busy lab where I felt respected and useful and feeling stronger and more confident in my body than I ever had.
Since then I got married, had melanoma, had facial surgery and a year of recovery and laser treatments, went on antidepressants, decided to pursue graduate school, applied for graduate school and was accepted, changed labs then quit lab work altogether, struggled to complete my thesis against a growing malaise that the antidepressant was not preventing...all the while gaining weight and having the unpleasant shock of not fitting into my clothes every 6 months or so. I'm heavier than I've ever been, the rapidity of my weight gain frightens me almost as much as my loss in stamina and the aches in my knees.
I am not going on a diet. What I am doing is tapering off the antidepressant, taking beta blockers to help with the 2-3 migraines a week the tapering off causes. I am doing some of the emotional work I was unable to do while studying for my Master's, and this has lead me to a point where I want to cut the food drama and have a healthy relationship with food and my body.
Below the line is the unpublished post from 2004. It's a bit of a ramble, but it's time to get it out of the draft folder.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't remember a time when I was not aware of being "big" or "fat", or some variant on that theme. My elementary school teacher counseled me that I should put my ten year old self on a diet, because it would make me happier, and people would like me more, so I'd be less of a target for the bullying that was making me hate school...
The more I think about it, the more I think I started out as a chunky kid, not medically overweight but taller and broader than those around me, plus some puppy fat. That's how I started, but the responses of people around me led me to believe that I was FAT, and that I needed to do something about it, which led me to worry about my body, and food, and what people thought of my body, and my food, and that's where the struggle started.
I was not a delicate waif of a little girl but dammit, I just looked at photos of myself at ages four through nine and found a chubby girl with a bad haircut and the unfortunate fashion statement of tucking my shirts in, which accentuated my short torso with a small belly roll before I had boobs to overshadow the whole shebang. From nine to twelve or so I became a bit more towards truly overweight I suppose, but the knowledge that it all came off (or redistributed) by age 16 because I grew vertically makes me assign it much more to puppy fat and puberty than to any real weight problem.
In that time period (nine-ish to 16) I was even more aware of being FAT because my mother had an obsession with loose fitting clothes: if you could distingush the shape of your body, it was too tight. This meant that any pants I tried on were all "too tight" because I have the familial large ass, and pants are sort of supposed to be fitted around the ass anyway. The tightness of the pants was not always worded as "those are too tight" it was fairly regularly called "those make your bum look too big", or "but they draw attention to your bum". The mantra of wear dark colours on your lower half so nobody notices your bum is still fairly well ingrained.
Of course, in the early adolescent era there was a new factor growing among peers, that of attractiveness, the ability to snag a boyfriend. I was possibly fortunate that I went to an all girl's school for that part of my life. Possibly. I don't know what it would have been like to be around boys then, if it would have made us all more competative or if we would have banded together in the face of a common enemy. No doubt a bit of both. In my little group of friends at school I was branded the fat one, even though I was one of two girls of a very similar level of chubbiness, I was the fat one for some reason. Probably because by that point I had been told so long that I was fat that I thought of myself that way and included it in my self depricating brand of humour. This trend of being The Fat One, either as something assigned to me by a group, or simply in my own mind, didn't even start to dissipate until I was in my 20's, when being a Brit at a California university changed my distinguishing feature to "the Brit".
I think that the general theme I'm chasing is that I was blissfully body un-aware, and that other people suddenly thrust before me a magic mirror with a picture of a Fat Girl, and told me that the Fat Girl was not a good thing to be. Still more people compounded and supported the argument and before I even hit puberty I had some nice self esteem issues going on the back burner. My memories of how I thought about my body center around having the unpleasant realization that I wasn't the shape I was supposed to be, and that everyone assumed that I would be so much happier if only I'd loose weight. I remember being 12, crying in a changing room when trying to buy clothes for gym class because I was so afraid of the comments I would get if I wore anything other than sweat pants and a gigantic t-shirt. I remember, at 16, being told by a friend that they wanted to set me up with a guy, and not to worry because "he really likes BIG girls!", the only nice part about that incident was the guy himself looking puzzled and saying "you're way skinny for me, I don't know why A. said you were fat..."
I probably had more padding than those girls, I certainly had bigger boobs and wider hips. But I had a waist in the middle, I was hourglass and had no idea how to dress for it, that made me look fatter. Fatter than them at any rate. Why did I have to be stamped with the fat label though? Why did ANYONE have to be "The Fat One". How about "that's Rosie" as a way of distinguishing me from the group? How about something personality based, or a physical attibute that lacks the negative implications? Unfortunately I wasn't the tallest (or shortest) in the group, nor the only one with fair hair, and we all had long hair, so lucky me got to be Piggy.
We had the little one, the tall one (sometime known as: the one with black hair), I guess maybe one girl was the rich one, but if we're sticking to physical assignations she was the one with frizzy hair, and then me, the fat one. We could just as easily have gone with K. is very ticklish, A. has a quick temper, C. knows far too many Monty Python songs and Rosie is disturbingly bouncy in the mornings. There's this unpleasant burning need in so many people or groups of people to point at someone and show how much better they are than that person. In the absence of the ability to use a racial slur without getting into trouble, and since "you're American!" "you're a smartypants" "you're one of those damn morning people" and other such distinguishing features don't come out as particularly good insults... they resort to Fat. Calling someone fat is the only physical comment I can think of that has such wide ranging implications about the target's character and behaviour. Ugly, short, bad hair, smelly...They are all insults, but they don't also imply laziness, gluttony, lack of will power AND an absence of attractiveness, the worst implication I can think of is that "your hair sucks" is also partially a comment on the taste and styling ability of the unfortunate bad-hair victim.
I had a respite from the role of The Fat One when I went to school in Australia and was just one of many passing-through foreign kids at the local elementary school, I didn't stand out there for being a bookworm, or for being foreign, I quickly made friends and fell in love with my new school. There was still a Fat One though: she was called Nyla, and she was sort of annoying and whiny, so she became the target. Everyone called her Fat Nyla, which confused me because she wasn't fat at all, she was the same as everyone else. I found myself joining in when others mocked her, until I saw that I had been Nyla at my old school, and that we were only picking on her because she was the designated kid to tease, then I stopped joining in and made an effort to get to know her. That incident was my first realization that fat (and annoying-ness) is in the eye of the beholder. Not only that, but it taught me that fat is what you call someone you don't like, fatness is bad, so bad that someone you dislike can be referred to as fat, just to summarize their awfulness into one convenient insult that everyone will understand. "Ugly" doesn't cover it, because ugliness is a more ephemeral concept.
Fat is an excellent tool for putting people down because as a category it is hard to break out of. Someone who is called fat is likely to believe the comment, and go away and beat themselves up about it. There will always be someone skinnier, or just about the same frame but with a way smaller ass, or taller and closely resembling a beanpole, but a cute beanpole with a pretty face and legs that look great in shorts. There will always be someone who has a positive feature in a place where you have a flaw, and we notice that far more often than we notice the flip side, the version where we have some enviable physical features they might lack. Neither way of looking at people is particularly helpful, someone always has to loose when there is a comparison involved.
I have largely broken the habit of thinking of myself as The Fat One, which is especially fortunate considering I work around a lot of women who are shorter, lighter, and have more conventionally attractive body shapes (meaning: slim but with enough curves to be clearly female). I'm even taller than most of the guys in the lab, and I'm only 5'8". Now, when I think of it at all, I think of it more as "I'm bigger than you", meaning both taller and bigger around, tempered with the knowledge that I'm pretty physically strong by comparison too. Admittedly, it's not the most healthy place to be, mentally speaking, because there are days when I feel like a lumbering giant, and the phrase "she's a BIG GIRL" pops into my mind. Most days it's the strength I feel, and any fleeting envy I feel for someone else's lovely compact form is tempered by the fact that I like being as tall as I am, I like being able to reach things on shelves and I imagine I'd feel much more vulnerable if I were shorter.
Eating more healthily and trying to work out regularly helps me focus on what my body can do rather than what it looks like and what body says about me as a person, but it still haunts me: The Fat Thing. At a conference, or going to a party where there will be new people, I imagine being mentally categorized as The Fat One when I'm introduced, I feel sure that at least one person will look at me as I walk by and think "Jesus woman, STOP EATING PIES, and don't come out in public until your ass is smaller". When I have job interviews I'm afraid the first thought of my interviewer will be "she's fat" or "she shouldn't be wearing that, she's too fat". I'm afraid of being judged on my appearance, but that isn't because of what shape and size I am, it's because I have spent my whole life being told I'm fat, seeing people call others fat, and realizing what implications come with that label. I worry about being The Fat One because that would mean I am not a person in their eyes, it is the label that burns me, not the adipose tissue deposits on my thighs. Fat doesn't make you feel bad about yourself, assholes make you feel bad.
Unfortunately that means that our culture, as a whole, is an asshole.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
2010 Retrospective
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? Wrote a master's thesis & defended it. "Walked" in an American graduation ceremony. Flamenco danced. Learned to spin yarn with a spindle. Helped brew cider & mead.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I think my only resolutions were to keep up the 1x weekly exercise habit I formed in 2009, attempt to add to it, and to stop using paper cups for coffee purchases. None of these worked out as I'd hoped. Stress and an ill-advised month of flamenco classes wreaked some havoc with my body that I have spent the second half of 2010 struggling with. Nothing permanent, but aches & pains and chronic tension headaches make Rosie a grumpy woman. I was sporadic with the re-useable bags & travel mug, but sporadic use still reduces wastefulness better than not bothering at all.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but a slew of friends (and one cousin) are currently pregnant & will deliver in 2011.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Not in 2010, but my cousin died Jan 3 after over a year battling metastasized lung cancer.
5. What places did you visit? Philadelphia, PA, Washington DC (including Alexandria and Mt Vernon), Williamsport, PA, Oxnard CA (surprisingly cute wee town).
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A full time job! Of course I lacked this in 2010 because I was in graduate school with a part time internship, a very good reason.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 11th I handed in my thesis for final formatting. June 12th Matt graduated with his Bachelors degree.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Thesis (detect a theme yet?)
9. What was your biggest failure? Hm. I don't think I really failed at anything, but I struggled with motivation and self-esteem all year.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The flamenco played merry hell with my knees, I quit after a month and am still feeling it. I tweaked my lower back in October. Nothing that a little time & careful yoga type activity won't heal.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My spindles & loom.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Matt & my lovely friends
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Many politicians.
14. Where did most of your money go? Tuition, the trip to PA, and yarny crafts.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Diarrhea (my thesis topic was Clostridium difficile associated diarrhea).
16. What song will always remind you of 2010? Pass.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Pass
b) thinner or fatter? Pass
c) richer or poorer? Pass
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Walking. Dancing (anything less stampy than flamenco).
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Procrastination.
20. How did you spend Christmas in 2010? With family at Granny's house in Los Angeles and NOBODY IN THE HOSPITAL. (Mum had a ruptured appendix just in time for Christmas 2009).
21. Did you fall in love in 2010? Frequently.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Dr Who. Castle. I also rediscovered the joy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
23. What did you do for your birthday in 2010? Matt threw me a surprise party for my 30th!
24. What was the best book you read? Cryoburn by Lois McMasters Bujold.
25. What did you want and get? Publishable data for my thesis. Lots of little luxuries like travel, craft supplies and delicious foods.
26. What did you want and not get? My diploma (it will be issued May 2011)
27. What was your favorite film of this year? Coraline.
28. Did you make some new friends this year? Lots of SCA friends are now "real life" friends.
29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting everything submitted in time to ahve my diploma in hand. Having a job lined up, though I am enjoying having some free time while job seeking.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? Half my clothes don't fit so I'm going to distract you from my limited wardrobe with this stunning handmade scarf.
31. What kept you sane? Matt. The kitties. Friends. Yarn.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Pass.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? Poverty. Healthcare & health disparities.
34. Who did you miss? My family.
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Graduate school is truly rewarding, but you really have to want it, and know why you are there.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I think my only resolutions were to keep up the 1x weekly exercise habit I formed in 2009, attempt to add to it, and to stop using paper cups for coffee purchases. None of these worked out as I'd hoped. Stress and an ill-advised month of flamenco classes wreaked some havoc with my body that I have spent the second half of 2010 struggling with. Nothing permanent, but aches & pains and chronic tension headaches make Rosie a grumpy woman. I was sporadic with the re-useable bags & travel mug, but sporadic use still reduces wastefulness better than not bothering at all.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but a slew of friends (and one cousin) are currently pregnant & will deliver in 2011.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Not in 2010, but my cousin died Jan 3 after over a year battling metastasized lung cancer.
5. What places did you visit? Philadelphia, PA, Washington DC (including Alexandria and Mt Vernon), Williamsport, PA, Oxnard CA (surprisingly cute wee town).
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? A full time job! Of course I lacked this in 2010 because I was in graduate school with a part time internship, a very good reason.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 11th I handed in my thesis for final formatting. June 12th Matt graduated with his Bachelors degree.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Thesis (detect a theme yet?)
9. What was your biggest failure? Hm. I don't think I really failed at anything, but I struggled with motivation and self-esteem all year.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The flamenco played merry hell with my knees, I quit after a month and am still feeling it. I tweaked my lower back in October. Nothing that a little time & careful yoga type activity won't heal.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My spindles & loom.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Matt & my lovely friends
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Many politicians.
14. Where did most of your money go? Tuition, the trip to PA, and yarny crafts.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Diarrhea (my thesis topic was Clostridium difficile associated diarrhea).
16. What song will always remind you of 2010? Pass.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Pass
b) thinner or fatter? Pass
c) richer or poorer? Pass
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Walking. Dancing (anything less stampy than flamenco).
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Procrastination.
20. How did you spend Christmas in 2010? With family at Granny's house in Los Angeles and NOBODY IN THE HOSPITAL. (Mum had a ruptured appendix just in time for Christmas 2009).
21. Did you fall in love in 2010? Frequently.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Dr Who. Castle. I also rediscovered the joy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
23. What did you do for your birthday in 2010? Matt threw me a surprise party for my 30th!
24. What was the best book you read? Cryoburn by Lois McMasters Bujold.
25. What did you want and get? Publishable data for my thesis. Lots of little luxuries like travel, craft supplies and delicious foods.
26. What did you want and not get? My diploma (it will be issued May 2011)
27. What was your favorite film of this year? Coraline.
28. Did you make some new friends this year? Lots of SCA friends are now "real life" friends.
29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting everything submitted in time to ahve my diploma in hand. Having a job lined up, though I am enjoying having some free time while job seeking.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? Half my clothes don't fit so I'm going to distract you from my limited wardrobe with this stunning handmade scarf.
31. What kept you sane? Matt. The kitties. Friends. Yarn.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Pass.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? Poverty. Healthcare & health disparities.
34. Who did you miss? My family.
35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Graduate school is truly rewarding, but you really have to want it, and know why you are there.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Cottage Industry
I warped my little rigid heddle loom for this scarf on Monday. Now, on wednesday evening, it's hanging to dry. All it needs is some kind of finishing on the fringe. I am thinking teeny braids. See the little droplets of water hanging off the fringe? That's after running it through the mighty centrifugal forces of Granny's washing machine!
Following a rainy 120 mile drive and a sing-along Messiah in the Walt Disney Symphony Hall I have been ensconced with my family at my Granny's townhouse in the San Fernando Valley since Sunday night. Matt is coming up by motorcycle tomorrow. I think it's becoming his Christmas tradition to ride his motorbike up here. We have been watching the impressive rain storms all week but it looks like it's clearing up now. I hope he arrives dry. Or at least mostly dry.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Yesterday I Defended My Master's Thesis
Mum and Matt were there, Mum's spending October in LA with her mum, and took the train down to attend. I presented the essential points of my project in about 30 minutes, with a 21 slide powerpoint, to two infectious disease physicians, a nursing professor, and a statistics professor. My cheering squad of two were the only other people in the room without the title "Dr.". I felt like I was babbling somewhat, but the committee and my family all said I presented very well. Good to know Mrs Heath's standard grade English class, and the Edinburgh Academy public speaking club paid off.
After the presentation and "public" discussion, the committee asked us to leave the room. Mum & Matt went for a coffee, I waited in the hallway to be called back in. After about 15 minutes my chair called me back in, and I was told it's very close to done, I need to expand a few sections and make a detailed table of studies on C. difficile and acid suppression. (That's the topic of my thesis). My chair also mentioned she'd like me to present to her infectious disease class, and I'm going to present the data at the hospital where the study is based. We (my on-site advisor and the team at the hospital) are putting together a paper based on this analysis and will be submitting it for publication. If it gets through it will be my first first-authorship on a paper.
Today I am doing no work. I put Mum on a train to LA, bought myself a couple of scented candles, and had a delicious sandwich, and now I'm catching up on free on-demand tv shows. Yay for Castle!
Tomorrow I begin with the revisions. I want to get this sucker finished and submitted so I can really celebrate.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Graceful they ain't
Friends of ours have a 1-year-old corgi (this isn't him). I kind of want one too.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Champagne tastes
Marble is always interested in my knitting and yarn, but she is in love with this violet Wollmeise German sock yarn. She maneuvers herself to keep her nose close to the ball at all times, and frequently earns herself an eviction from my lap by trying to chomp on a strand as it passes her face.
That sound made by deadlines as they fly past
Summer has been and gone (officially, though it's still 80'F and sunny here) and I am getting closer to finished with the interminable thesis, though it does seem to keep expanding and needing more bits added no matter how much I write. Which is not enough most days. Chapters 1-4 are largely done, I have some feedback on them to go through. Chapter 5, the discussion, has bits done and bits missing. I sent the existing bits off for feedback so I could pat myself on the back for sending something.
My internship has finished up, so I am currently an unemployed graduate student. I've applied for three different federal jobs suitable for my post-graduate self, civil service hiring processes are very slow so it's worth getting in applications even though I'm not done yet.
In other news, Matt and I started visiting the local Unitarian Universalist fellowship. I have never been part of a church community except for the obligatory Presbyterian leanings of my schooling. A couple of the songs sung in fellowship meeting are actually songs I learned in assembly in primary school, but it's otherwise a quite different experience. The symbols above the lectern are multi-faith and secular humanist/atheist folks (with an interest in pagan traditions) like myself are welcome. As are pagan/atheist folks like Matt. The community is very welcoming, and there is a focus on volunteerism and "helping hands". I'm going to track down someone involved in the knitting ministry to see what type of things they knit for charity, and we both spent some time this past Sunday chatting with members of the small "earth-based spirituality" group. Most of them are Wiccan, and there was a marvelous moment when Matt pointed out the pentacle dream-catcher tattoo on his calf, and three other people pulled out pentacle necklaces or finger-rings and one of the three simply said "welcome!".
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Boots
I am not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
Matt and I saw U2 perform at the Rose Bowl just before Halloween, they put on an amazing show (as usual), but after 3 hours of standing waiting for them to come on, and 2 hours of dancing/hopping about while they performed, our feet (legs, backs) were complaining loudly. We staggered back to the car and made it to bed at around 2.30am Monday, vowing that the next concert we'd wear trainers, not boots (we may have been influenced by the current single being "Get On Your Boots").
I know it's trite to reference songs, but I am so impressed by the imagery in many of Bono's lyrics. I wasn't a big U2 'fan' when I was younger, they were ever-present on the radio of course, and I liked them, but I wasn't particularly into them. Matt is very much into them, and so I have heard a lot more of their work since meeting him, and now I'd definitely count myself as a fan.
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see
You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh lord look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
Matt and I saw U2 perform at the Rose Bowl just before Halloween, they put on an amazing show (as usual), but after 3 hours of standing waiting for them to come on, and 2 hours of dancing/hopping about while they performed, our feet (legs, backs) were complaining loudly. We staggered back to the car and made it to bed at around 2.30am Monday, vowing that the next concert we'd wear trainers, not boots (we may have been influenced by the current single being "Get On Your Boots").
I know it's trite to reference songs, but I am so impressed by the imagery in many of Bono's lyrics. I wasn't a big U2 'fan' when I was younger, they were ever-present on the radio of course, and I liked them, but I wasn't particularly into them. Matt is very much into them, and so I have heard a lot more of their work since meeting him, and now I'd definitely count myself as a fan.
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see
You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh lord look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
April: a SNAFU is better than a FUBAR
SNAFU: Situation Normal - All F* Up
FUBAR: F* Up Beyond Any Repair
I think my anxiety reached a head in April. I had a lingering migraine, complete with aches all over my body, for the first two weeks! I met with my stats prof, and wrote another missing section, handed the latest version over to my adviser to read on her trip to Tanzania (she is a jet-set HIV prevention doctor), evenings were spent napping and nursing the headache.
When I started to feel better I engaged in a bit of displacement activity: I unclogged the slow bathroom drains, ran de-scale stuff through the dishwasher and cleaned the oven. My gods, the oven. I did a second round of cleaner foam stuff on the the bottom the first round couldn’t get it all off.
Thesis Chair kept saying “simplify it, drop some variables, don’t try to do it all!”, and the Principal Investigator kept saying “you should include this, and this and THIS, and are you addressing this other thing?”. Then it turned out I was offtrack with my specific research question, a classic case of my committee of four, and me all thinking we know what’s going on, and are on the same page…but we weren’t. The bottom line is that the chair wants me to get a thesis together so I can defend and be done, the investigator wants it to be as close to a publishable paper as possible so that it’s more useful to her. My intention is to keep in touch with the investigator after I'm done and help her produce a paper or two out of this dataset anyway, it will be good to get my name on a paper or two from this project.
Thesis Chair was surprised I didn’t freak out, hopefully that’s a compliment. Most of what I have written is still good and useful, and the committee is going to work with me to try to get me done asap, but I will have to re-do the analysis with the new question. I met with the Principal Investigator (Dr in charge of the project at the hospital) to go over the database and consult on a better research question.
The new analysis already looks a lot better, and I'm plugging along. Analysis is the fun part actually, after some hair-tearing getting my database migrated onto the analysis computer. I actually resorted to calling Mr Riveter in to pat my shoulder and talk me through troubleshooting the data migration, I kept getting the same error message over and over and over…
The commencement ceremony is on May 21st, my parents fly in on the 20th. I can participate in the ceremony because I applied to graduate this semester, you don't have to be completely wrapped up to participate, since they have the ceremonies right at the end of term, rather than after all the results are in and processed like for my BSc.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Eeek/Wooo
Not dead, also not done yet. One page (two headings, ~300 words or so) of literature review left to go, revise the methods, meet with statistician on my committee to see if the plan I have for analysis is acceptable. Do analysis, report results...write discussion. Eeeek!
Matt is rapidly approaching the finish line, April 5th he will be done with his BS classes. Wooo!
Matt is rapidly approaching the finish line, April 5th he will be done with his BS classes. Wooo!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
An embarrassment of bacon riches
The banner Matt picked for my surprise party two weekends ago, with the fairy lights we always have up in the archway between the living and dining areas. Matt also took this photo.
He took me to lunch on the Saturday, sushi and white wine by the San Diego Bay, and when we returned I was greeted by 15 friends with noisemakers, who had been hanging out in our flat, setting up and drinking beer for about 2 hours. Everyone was already quite merry! I got lots of hugs, a gorgeous handmade peacock pearl necklace and earrings set (made by a friend), fresh roasted coffee, a giant bag full of odd skeins of pretty yarns (each skein more than sufficient for a hat or mittens), a crochet scarf, and a pound of bacon. Which is apparently the new 30th birthday tradition in some circles of my friends.
I’ve put in my paperwork to graduate in May, but I’m behind in my thesis writing. I need to get in gear now so I don’t end up dragging this on and having to wait till after the summer to defend, and graduate a whole six months later.
My problem is I’m burned out on the grad school thing, I just want to move on already and have a steady job, I'm still struggling with the mild-moderate depression, mostly in the form of anxiety issues, and I’m in this state when I’m kind of numbing out from everything. I haven’t been to my regular dance class for 3 weeks, I’m barely knitting, and I’m burning a lot of time zoning out in front of the TV or on the web. So I get home from work or class, and flop on the couch with a cat & my laptop and/or switch on the telly. This is often accompanied by a glass of wine, or a beer, which is relaxing, but also kills my resolve to get any writing done.
By Monday I have to, no beating about the bush, no excuses, get a 10-12 page introduction written, I have 2 pages and some notes. My plan is to get a new arriving-home routine: a brisk walk around the courtyard at my building, wash my face, use the neti pot thing that protects me from stabby sinus pain, and treat it like a restart to the day. Then sit AT A TABLE and, you know, work on my thesis.
Today I was scheduled to work a half day, and I managed to get home, make lunch, and start making progress on pulling together demographics for my study population. It’s like pulling teeth to focus on this stuff, pathetic! I will call this an initial win for actually breaking my routine a little.
Tomorrow’s goals: get up with Matt in the a.m., continue with demographics tables for at least an hour before heading to my hiking date to climb Cowles Mountain with a coworker. After the hiking date do something school related, be it more tables, working on outline, or working in intro.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Nice bonnet dude, did your wife make that?
Matt has been a real gem recently. He’s usually a gem, but he’s been a extra sparkly one, here's why:
1) He’s plotting some kind of birthday get-together for me this weekend, I have no idea what, because he is doing it ALL. This is a big deal, I am the social secretary in our relationship, and have previously organized my own birthday parties (and made/bought my own cake).
2) On Monday he completely blitzed the kitchen, getting it to a point where it is now easy to keep it clean and the counters empty of dishes waiting to go in the dishwasher/be hand washed.
3) He wore the forest green tam I made him for the first time this week, after checking with me that rain wouldn’t hurt it (bless, it’s wool - it’ll just need re blocked), and apparently him showing up on a U.S. Navy base in a knitted tam has caused much confusion and double takes. His coworkers all insist it’s a beret, and had never heard of a “tam” or “tam o’shanter”. This crowd is clearly fashion challenged: the tweed golf cap he usually wears when it’s rainy weather initially got some comments along the lines of “hey, newsboy!”. This time the security guard kept giving his tam a funny look while checking his I.D. at the gate. His verdict: “those guys don’t know anything about hats!”
We decided it's probably best not to tell his coworkers that this particular style of hat is also known as a "bonnet" in Scotland.
So: plotting happy things for me while working full time and doing online university classes full time? Check. Going above and beyond the call of dishes duty? Check. Totally earning himself a wardrobe of interesting tams? Check.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Even Faeries get moles
In three weeks I turn 30, 21 days left of my 20's. I'm rather excited to be honest, I think the 30's will be good years. I also know that the only alternative to aging is not desirable at all.
I think I am most shocked to realize that 10 years ago today I was an exchange student at the University of California, San Diego. I had not yet changed apartments to get a single room, so I had not yet met a lot of the people I became good friends with in the last 12 weeks of my exchange year. Ten years ago today I was also in the final healing stages of my first tattoo: a crescent moon with roses on my left hip bone. My tattoo is almost old enough to be out of primary school! This faerie is my other tattoo, I got her/it on my lower right back in January 2001, so she's only 9.
I've had a love/indifference relationship with the faerie tattoo. I had carried the pencil sketch for this design in my planner since I was 15, but not long after getting it I discovered a variety of faerie art that impressed me even more, and having it on my back meant I didn't get to admire the artist's work every day like I have with the crescent moon. There is also an unfortunate cult of Tinkerbell fans, women who enjoy the bitchy princess spoilt brat persona, and adopt Tink as their mascot. As I grew up with peter pan, the flower fairies, and mythology involving the wee folk/sidhe, my impression of the Fae is that they are forces of nature, neither kind nor cruel, a symbol of the harsh beauty of nature. Definitely not a squeaky little female sprite who stomps her feet all the time and obsesses over human boys. I've been toying with the idea of expanding her wings, darkening the green, giving her an owl or a raven as a companion, or even choosing a slightly larger design and having her covered over by an acanthus leaf or a William Morris style peacock.
Matt took a closeup photo of the ink work so that I could study it, and decide what I wanted to do, but while cropping it and brightening it up a bit on photoshop I noticed something not part of the original design. An oval mole on her right upper wing (left as we look at her). Of course it's not on her wing, it's on my back, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't there when I got inked. Especially since the outline of her wing is broken at that point.
With
my history that means time for a biopsy. I only just had a screening with my dermatologist, but the tattoo does disguise the mole, and she relies heavily on me spotting any changes. I'm waiting to hear back on a biopsy she took from my leg, a tiny but very dark mole we decided to investigate, but I think I'm going to call and make another appointment to show her this offender as soon as possible. I'm sitting here wanting to tear it off myself!Of course there is a certain amount of self blame for getting tattooed at all, though who knows if I'd have spotted a new pointy mole back there at all if I wasn't studying a photo of my own back for planning purposes. I'm really done with the constant vigilance thing, though I know I don't get to choose, I have to keep an eye out for skin changes for the rest of my life.
Besides all this, I need to submit review board approval of my thesis project, get my Master's committee officially listed (I've got them lined up, but they're not on file), and apply for graduation. Instead I'm scanning through a few years of photos to see if my lower back shows up in any of them, in case I can find an earlier comparison.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Because I can't think of anything by myself...
I filched this roundup from Shauna.
I'm sipping a craft rootbeer while Matt rubs garlic and spices on a side of beef rib and my sister chops parsnips & sweet potatoes into precise 1/2" slices (my slicing results are deemed too haphazard, I call it rustic). My Granny is upstairs listening to Christmas oldies on the radio, and my Dad is at the hospital visiting my mother as she recovers from surgery.
What? Yeah, not a normal Christmas. My Mum's appendix ruptured sometime last week (maybe Saturday), but with no warning pains, she thought she had food poisoning, and didn't start feeling pain until early Tuesday morning. By Tuesday lunchtime they decided she needed to go to hospital, we got there about 2pm, by 9.30 we were talking to her in the recovery room after an emergency appendectomy. She's recovering well, and will probably be allowed sips or water and weak broth today, and allowed to come home in 2-3 days.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Bought a block of 20 dance classes and made dancing at least once a week part or my routine. For me, having any regular exercise at least once a week be the bare minimum is a big step up from previous sporadic non-routines, and the fact it's bellydance makes me very happy - I had to overcome considerable fear of jiggling in public to attend, a good friend becoming a teacher was the final key to me signing up for classes.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next this year?
I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but I did make the goal of 2x exercise a week - specifically something that relieved stress, and using re-usable shopping bags more. As above, I managed to make 1x a week the norm, so I can keep building on that this year. I carry a shopping bag clipped to my purse now, and sometimes even remember to take extra with me for bigger hauls of shopping, next up: no buying coffee if I am without my steel coffee mug. This will probably mean I drink fewer lattes, which is also part of the reason for this goal - they're expensive!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A new-ish friend, Judi, now she's back to work we are meeting most Sundays for a workout DVD.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but a cousin was diagnosed with lung cancer. Cancer sucks man.
5. What countries did you visit?
Scotland & Germany.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A completed Master's degree and a full time job. An improved ability to remain in the moment. Emotional stability.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 2nd, left the employ of UCSD, my only professional workplace, and officially left the environment of lab work. I miss lab work, and my groovy coworkers, but not the cadaver-filled basement and performing post-mortems on rats.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Personal: bellydance!
Professional: landing my current internship & keeping good grades in my courses.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Emotional Stability.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Depression, anxiety, panic attacks...and I hurt my foot at some point.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
It's a tossup between the iPhone, and the mini. I'm such a DINKY.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Tuition, mortgage, down payment for car.
13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
14. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Anything off the new U2 album, and "Stuck In A Moment", which really got to me when we saw them perform at the Rose Bowl in October.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Both, I'm more certain of my post grad-school future, but still struggling with self image & depression & stuff.
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Damn medications. But fitter. Yay bellydance.
c) richer or poorer? About the same income-wise, Matt got a raise the same time I cut my hours at work, but a bit more of it is committed now we have a car loan & student loans have grown a bit.
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Taking care of myself, and focusing on my studies.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. Skin-of-the-tooth approach to school work.
18. How will you spend Christmas?
Typing this while preparing a reduced (from feeding 27-ish to feeding 7) Christmas meal, with Mum in hospital recovering from surgery. Boo. But glad she's on the mend.
19. Did you fall in love in 2009?
With dancing in general, and with having music in my life, and with Matt. Also with this recipe.
20. What was your favorite TV program?
I finally discovered the new Dr Who. Timey Wimey.
21. What was the best book you read?
Rethinking Thin by Gina Kolata.
22. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Men Who Stared At Goats
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29, we had a beer & pudding party at our house. Selected interesting beers, bread & butter pudding, and Christmas pudding (which got set on fire twice so everyone got to see the show)
24. What kept you sane?
Matt, my friends, cats, bellydance & Effexor XR.
25. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmmmm. Can't think of any. Besides the inevitable Hugh Jackman & Eddie Izzard.
26. Who did you miss?
My family.
27. Who was the best new person you met?
Peggy, the statistical whiz at my new job.
I'm sipping a craft rootbeer while Matt rubs garlic and spices on a side of beef rib and my sister chops parsnips & sweet potatoes into precise 1/2" slices (my slicing results are deemed too haphazard, I call it rustic). My Granny is upstairs listening to Christmas oldies on the radio, and my Dad is at the hospital visiting my mother as she recovers from surgery.
What? Yeah, not a normal Christmas. My Mum's appendix ruptured sometime last week (maybe Saturday), but with no warning pains, she thought she had food poisoning, and didn't start feeling pain until early Tuesday morning. By Tuesday lunchtime they decided she needed to go to hospital, we got there about 2pm, by 9.30 we were talking to her in the recovery room after an emergency appendectomy. She's recovering well, and will probably be allowed sips or water and weak broth today, and allowed to come home in 2-3 days.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Bought a block of 20 dance classes and made dancing at least once a week part or my routine. For me, having any regular exercise at least once a week be the bare minimum is a big step up from previous sporadic non-routines, and the fact it's bellydance makes me very happy - I had to overcome considerable fear of jiggling in public to attend, a good friend becoming a teacher was the final key to me signing up for classes.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next this year?
I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but I did make the goal of 2x exercise a week - specifically something that relieved stress, and using re-usable shopping bags more. As above, I managed to make 1x a week the norm, so I can keep building on that this year. I carry a shopping bag clipped to my purse now, and sometimes even remember to take extra with me for bigger hauls of shopping, next up: no buying coffee if I am without my steel coffee mug. This will probably mean I drink fewer lattes, which is also part of the reason for this goal - they're expensive!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A new-ish friend, Judi, now she's back to work we are meeting most Sundays for a workout DVD.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but a cousin was diagnosed with lung cancer. Cancer sucks man.
5. What countries did you visit?
Scotland & Germany.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A completed Master's degree and a full time job. An improved ability to remain in the moment. Emotional stability.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 2nd, left the employ of UCSD, my only professional workplace, and officially left the environment of lab work. I miss lab work, and my groovy coworkers, but not the cadaver-filled basement and performing post-mortems on rats.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Personal: bellydance!
Professional: landing my current internship & keeping good grades in my courses.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Emotional Stability.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Depression, anxiety, panic attacks...and I hurt my foot at some point.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
It's a tossup between the iPhone, and the mini. I'm such a DINKY.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Tuition, mortgage, down payment for car.
13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
14. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Anything off the new U2 album, and "Stuck In A Moment", which really got to me when we saw them perform at the Rose Bowl in October.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Both, I'm more certain of my post grad-school future, but still struggling with self image & depression & stuff.
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Damn medications. But fitter. Yay bellydance.
c) richer or poorer? About the same income-wise, Matt got a raise the same time I cut my hours at work, but a bit more of it is committed now we have a car loan & student loans have grown a bit.
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Taking care of myself, and focusing on my studies.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. Skin-of-the-tooth approach to school work.
18. How will you spend Christmas?
Typing this while preparing a reduced (from feeding 27-ish to feeding 7) Christmas meal, with Mum in hospital recovering from surgery. Boo. But glad she's on the mend.
19. Did you fall in love in 2009?
With dancing in general, and with having music in my life, and with Matt. Also with this recipe.
20. What was your favorite TV program?
I finally discovered the new Dr Who. Timey Wimey.
21. What was the best book you read?
Rethinking Thin by Gina Kolata.
22. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Men Who Stared At Goats
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29, we had a beer & pudding party at our house. Selected interesting beers, bread & butter pudding, and Christmas pudding (which got set on fire twice so everyone got to see the show)
24. What kept you sane?
Matt, my friends, cats, bellydance & Effexor XR.
25. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmmmm. Can't think of any. Besides the inevitable Hugh Jackman & Eddie Izzard.
26. Who did you miss?
My family.
27. Who was the best new person you met?
Peggy, the statistical whiz at my new job.
Monday, November 09, 2009
20 years ago today
These images became part of history, now they're fridge magnets & postcards, not a feature of the landscape.
photo.jpg, originally uploaded by Rosemary Grace.
photo.jpg, originally uploaded by Rosemary Grace.
I was 9 years old, my family was in Melbourne, Australia for a 3 month sabbatical, I remember my parents and 18 y.o. sister being glued to the TV, and my Dad said “Remember this, remember where you are, this is important”. Because we’d been on the other side of the world since September that year, we hadn’t heard of any of the build up, so it was a surprise. I was young, but I knew it was a really big deal that people were free to travel from the East.
Now my sister lives in Berlin Mitte, in the old East, she moved there in 1993, even then there were a lot of changes ongoing, filling in the spaces left by the demolition of the wall.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Mmm beep-beep, beep-beep YEAH!
On our way back from Los Angeles two weeks ago, Matt and I stopped by a Mini dealership to test drive their slightly larger Clubman style. We've been arguing/debating/obsessing about a choice for a new car for me, my economy sedan being over 100,000 miles and approaching the point of requiring a sizable investment to keep it going for the next 100k. Matt has the SUV he chose when leaving the Navy, and last year we upgraded his motorbike to a snazzy, powerful model. Matt loves 2-door sporty cars, I like to look at them, but prefer the usefulness of boxy hatchbacks with an actual door to the back seat. Then I found out the Clubman has an extra rear-hinged door to facilitate access to the back seat... and good fuel efficiency... high safety ratings... maintenance included with the warranty... and it's sporty... and boxy... and...
Meet Bertram.
"Bertie" for short. As in Wooster. The black & white interior made me think of spats, or Jeeves' black suit, but it's more of a Bertie.
Before the test drive I hadn't set foot in the driver's seat of a manual transmission since my last driving lesson in Edinburgh in August of 2001: chugging around the block in 1st or 2nd gear in a little diesel learner it was almost impossible to stall. I think I got to go up to third gear once. I got to drive Bertie home. 35 miles. At night. Through a construction zone. The freeways were fine, once in 5th or 6th gear it was just a question of avoiding the massive work trucks that kept trying to merge into me from alternating sides; getting to the freeway involved stalling at each traffic light and taking a few tries to get going again. I made sure I knew where the flashing emergency lights were before I trundled off the dealership lot, I even considered picking up "L" plates to warn those behind me, but I'm picking it up fast enough.
It's an adventure, we've got a radio ban until December, and I'm not commuting in it until I'm a little more practiced, I can't get the stickers to park at work until the official registration comes in the mail anyway. I haven't told my Mum, she's arriving in L.A. in a couple of weeks, so I'm just going to pick her up at the airport and watch her reaction when I put her bag in the snazzy new car.
I just wrote a blog post about my car. Yep, definitely an assimilated Californian.
Meet Bertram.
"Bertie" for short. As in Wooster. The black & white interior made me think of spats, or Jeeves' black suit, but it's more of a Bertie.
Before the test drive I hadn't set foot in the driver's seat of a manual transmission since my last driving lesson in Edinburgh in August of 2001: chugging around the block in 1st or 2nd gear in a little diesel learner it was almost impossible to stall. I think I got to go up to third gear once. I got to drive Bertie home. 35 miles. At night. Through a construction zone. The freeways were fine, once in 5th or 6th gear it was just a question of avoiding the massive work trucks that kept trying to merge into me from alternating sides; getting to the freeway involved stalling at each traffic light and taking a few tries to get going again. I made sure I knew where the flashing emergency lights were before I trundled off the dealership lot, I even considered picking up "L" plates to warn those behind me, but I'm picking it up fast enough.
It's an adventure, we've got a radio ban until December, and I'm not commuting in it until I'm a little more practiced, I can't get the stickers to park at work until the official registration comes in the mail anyway. I haven't told my Mum, she's arriving in L.A. in a couple of weeks, so I'm just going to pick her up at the airport and watch her reaction when I put her bag in the snazzy new car.
I just wrote a blog post about my car. Yep, definitely an assimilated Californian.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Ex-Pat
I have allowed myself to be convinced that mathematical calculations exist in the singular form: "Math"
I get graded on the quality of my papers, not marked on my essay-writing.
I mail letters marked with a zipcode.
However, I still live in a flat and close my coat with a zip, not a zipper; I'd rather eat courgette than zucchini (I'd rather spell courgette too).
I get graded on the quality of my papers, not marked on my essay-writing.
I mail letters marked with a zipcode.
However, I still live in a flat and close my coat with a zip, not a zipper; I'd rather eat courgette than zucchini (I'd rather spell courgette too).
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Brain Dump
I have been busy, and doing considerably better with depression symptoms than I was by the end of August (I got burned out & overwhelmed, went to doc, decided to go back up from half to full dose of antidepressant, found a cognitive behavioural therapist near home, started getting better).
New job - not so new any more - I am settling into a routine, and working on two projects. I am trying to establish myself as generally useful, and specifically the resident neuroscience person, since everyone there is more experienced in epidemiology than I, my angle is being "Brain Girl". I have (mostly) been having fun branching out into a more professional work wardrobe, the discovery of getting dress trousers a size big, then getting the waist taken in has provided me with a few pairs of pinstripe wide legged pants that make me feel like Katharine Hepburn when I wear them. Or her more buxom cousin at any rate. I'm still working on wearing "grownup" shoes. I'd rather wear smarter clothes and stick with clunkier comfortable shoes than go the route favoured by my female coworkers of more casual dags dressed up with heels. Can't run from zombies in heels.
University is chugging along, I am having a hard time finding the time/brain space to put significant hours in on my thesis. I don't know how I did 9+ units and full time work when I started this program, but that head of steam has decidedly run out! My main focus in counseling (besides taking adequate care of myself) is time management, since most of my stress comes from the balancing act.
Time to go, dinner is served!
New job - not so new any more - I am settling into a routine, and working on two projects. I am trying to establish myself as generally useful, and specifically the resident neuroscience person, since everyone there is more experienced in epidemiology than I, my angle is being "Brain Girl". I have (mostly) been having fun branching out into a more professional work wardrobe, the discovery of getting dress trousers a size big, then getting the waist taken in has provided me with a few pairs of pinstripe wide legged pants that make me feel like Katharine Hepburn when I wear them. Or her more buxom cousin at any rate. I'm still working on wearing "grownup" shoes. I'd rather wear smarter clothes and stick with clunkier comfortable shoes than go the route favoured by my female coworkers of more casual dags dressed up with heels. Can't run from zombies in heels.
University is chugging along, I am having a hard time finding the time/brain space to put significant hours in on my thesis. I don't know how I did 9+ units and full time work when I started this program, but that head of steam has decidedly run out! My main focus in counseling (besides taking adequate care of myself) is time management, since most of my stress comes from the balancing act.
Time to go, dinner is served!
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