Monday, April 16, 2007

Things have been up-and-down and back-and-forth a lot the past couple of weeks. Last week I had a doctor's appointment with a new general practitioner, I was going to ask about trying a different migraine med, since I stopped taking the one I had when I realized the medicine made me feel worse for the first 45 minutes after taking it (the migraine would then go away, but it wasn't worth the price of feeling stoned and unable to breathe for 45 min while the drug did it's thing). I also asked about some kind of anxiolytic. Otherwise known as anti-anxiety med. Otherwise known as antidepressant. You know: Prozac.

This does not mean that my depression/anxiety has got worse, it's more that it's not getting any better, I'm out of the falling apart crisis place, but I have spent the past year having a great week or two, where I'm well rested, getting some exercise, productive at work, not having to waste energy fighting the negativity, but all it takes is a night or two of disturbed sleep, or my period, and it knocks me into nearly month of just trying to get back on top of things. I'm not even talking getting my chores done, even on the good weeks I don't put away the laundry or hoover the rug as often as it needs. I'm talking about getting through my day without feeling hopeless and useless, without beating myself up, without having to struggle with myself over every tiny decision as though my entire future depends on what I have for breakfast or if I take route A or route B to work this morning.

What I really need is more time and less stress, a shorter commute, maybe working 75% time, maybe not taking a graduate level class, but none of those things are options. We can't afford to move, working 75% is not an option in my job, dropping the class would make me MORE depressed: I really want to move forward with graduate studies. I am thinking about taking a few days vacation for sanity time, but it's not enough. So I'm taking an antidepressant in lieu of actually relaxing and getting a holiday. How modern! I feel like such a well assimilated Californian.

More seriously, I decided to try this out again (I took an SSRI at the end of university) because there is an awful lot going on, at work and at home, and I want as much help as I can get to sail through the rest of the year without going kersplooey. Going kersplooey would include messing up the GRE and/or failing to get my application put together and submitted for the Masters program I want. Going kersplooey would also include getting those things done OK, but at the cost of frequent sick days from work just to keep my head together. It would also include dealing with grad school and work ok, but being miserable throughout and unable to enjoy time spent with my husband. Three balls: work, education, home. I do not want to drop any of them, they are all three very important. I hope that this new medication will make it a little easier to keep juggling.

2 comments:

K said...

Um, cuddles.

That constant juggling is horrible (I know...) Please don't feel hopeless and useless. I know it's hard to fight it, but it will go away.

Good luck with the anti-anxiety. I hope you feel better soon.

Rosemary Grace said...

I do wonder if I'm just suffering from a case of modern life, and that I just notice the stress more because I'm aware of problems I've had in the past.

I feel a LOT better overall than a few month ago, but the outside stresses of changing jobs and applying for a grad program are not going to go away until autumn, when I will have my application in, and be settled in my new job. That's a long haul!