Thursday, June 20, 2002

Well, if I was glad we were limited to the weekends before, I now know I was justified in my reasoning: it would be way too easy to fall into living in each other's pockets, and neither of us needs/wants that to happen. Having seen him both Monday and Tuesday evenings, yesterday I felt like there was something missing. I got the impression he was feeling something similar too, though maybe not in the pathetic "I need a hug" way I was. I spent Monday night and much of Tuesday sorting through some of my own ghosts. It left me feeling scattered, and very grateful for his presence that evening, even though I spent a large portion of it talking to his Mom on the phone, trying to glean additional information, make sure she understands that Matt and I can't work magic on this one, while simultaneously reassuring her that all is not lost…

The past week and a bit has tired me out more than I thought it would, all in all the brother situation seems to be a LOT better that it could have been from what we'd been told, but the revelation that we hadn't been told everything at first threw both of us into a panic for a while. Neither of us can take responsibility for this young man's life, we don't have the time, energy or training to do it, all we can do is share our stories and hope that he sees his own way forward. I'm glad that my own experiences with depression can potentially serve to help another work his way out of the hole, but if he can't or won't do it himself there is nothing I can do to fix that. If there's one thing I have learned from the past few years it is that the only person I can look to for happiness and success in life is me, and that she's actually pretty good at getting me there.

A friend said to me last night "this will either make or break your relationship"and I agree, I've been continually pleasantly surprised by all our interactions, and how we've dealt with these new developments, both separately and together. I'm optimistic, but not counting my chickens. So far I've been maintaining an attitude of hopeful caution, and it's working pretty well for me. I don't know where this will all lead, I hope the path is long, and remains so scenic, but I do know that wherever it leads, I will be ok, and chances are I'll be more than ok. That girl in the mirror seems to be figuring out the dance steps pretty well as she goes.

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