Although the last blog was posted in response to something that was taken somewhat out of context, I'm leaving it up because I felt that way before, I just wasn't near a computer at the time. I won't feel whole until I have a job and am as self sufficient as I should be. That means not imposing on people more than one can help in the normal course of sharing a house.

Yesterday evening K'wyn, Lia and I went for coffee and we got to talking about cars, and the purchase thereof, this has been one of the many things weighing on my mind, as I know I've got very little clue how to pick a car, the pros and cons of new versus used blah blah. I took the opportunity to ask both of them why they chose the car the have, and what they'd do differently if they could. During the course of the conversation it became clear to me that my parents way of thinking won't work in California, as I will be driving an average of 40 miles a day just going to and from work, so spending a couple thousand on a car and having it last 4-5 years is not really going to happen here. So point one is:I will have to take out a loan to get a reliable car whether or not I get a used one.

Of course, this made me think of the position I would be in if I still had the money lost over the past year, and lead to much internal wrangling between resentment of another, and anger at myself. Suffice it to say that from my research today, that money would have enabled me to get an extremely comfortable compact car, with all the fixings (not leather seats, I hate em) and have paid for it entirely inside 2 years, with lower interest rates too. All is not lost of course, I have the ability to pay one off in 5 years easily, but it's the principal of the thing. I just thank the Money Gods that my credit rating has not been affected, better non existent than actively bad. The global community hasn't grown efficient enough to use my British credit as an example. I suppose I could ask for a reference from my bank.

The seeming magnitude of the task of preparing myself adequately to make the "right" decision terrified me, and that combined with general fear of falling off the ladder with the weight of these new burdens made me extremely upset. I'm afraid that it lead to me snapping at K'wyn and it took much patience on her part to help me figure out what I was really upset about. Life in general would be a fair diagnosis, but breaking it down into little tasks always helps. For one, I need to tell her or Lia, or any good friend when the subject matter is making me upset, it's a hell of a lot better then running off in tears with no explanation. On the practical front, I need to decide what car I realistically want, and go to a couple dealers and see what they can offer me. If there's something coming off lease that still has some of its warrantee left, that would be perfect. That I have pretty much done today, going to independent consumer report sites on the web and starting out with the safest small cars, and going from there. I found that a new bug wouldn't be THAT frivolous for me to get, but a Toyota Echo would prolly be the best bet. It would be a trade off between safety rating and reliability. Oh, and funkiness versus price.

Now I need to find out about getting my parents to cosign and stuff like that.