Friday, November 02, 2001

I guess I'm officially single then. Am I a complete idiot for somehow expecting him to end up agreeing with me that we had irreconcilable differences? All very well to keep saying we can talk it through, work it out, blah blah, but some things will never change no matter how much you run verbal circles around them. What it comes down to is how someone makes you feel, about life and about yourself. I felt like I was continuously being patted on the head for saying something dumb, being called a coward for seeing what I wanted to do and going towards it, even if it meant walking away from other aspects of my life. A month or so ago I posted something about "taking the easy way out" on Sept 30th in fact.

I don't understand how anyone could see the way I have chosen to live my life "taking the easy road" I have not exactly given myself ridiculously large challenges, but I have never gone for something because it looked easy, I make my choices according to what feels right. so far it has worked well for me, I have managed to get to 21 with no regrets, aside from the usual wishing I'd studied harder. I mean that, absolutely no regrets, and it feels so good to be able to say that.

If I had wanted to take the easy road, I would have stayed in Edinburgh, had my Mum feed me all through university, avoided hassle form Kenny about going to London. I would have not gone on the exchange to UCSD, I would have stayed home (again) and would quite possible still be with Kenny right now. No offence intended, but that would just be so WRONG. Time and time again, I'll say to myself "OK, I'll stick this out, see if it gets better" and a day, or three days or maybe even an hour later I will find myself coming back to that decision and worrying at it, because it feels wrong. Out of place, dishonest, whatever you want to call it, it feels wrong to me.

There's some part of me that will not allow me to stick to a decision that is wrong for me, I used to think I was good at fooling myself, I still do, but when it really comes down to it, I cannot keep blindsiding myself. The upshot of that is that it will take me a long time to realise that something is not workin gout, but once I realise it, I know it for certain. That is hard on those around me, and I am trying to get myself a nice little "early warning" system so I don't end up changing tacks out of the blue.

Is it taking the easy way out when you fix on the decision that leaves you at peace? Any other solution I've tried for this has left me churning and unable to get on with anything else, because I keep coming back to it as a piece that doesn't fit.

I'm repeating myself. Partly because I'm upset, even though I know it's the right thing, it's always emotional to make such a big change. I regret nothing, but I am sorry to have hurt someone who helped me through such a hard time. It's a trite phrase to use, but Blessed Be, I hope you realise your full potential someday, and that you find someone to be beside you when you do.


No comments: