Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Yargh, my life has become a series of countdowns.

Not true really, there's only one that really affects me directly, the Lump's departure will be much more important for Matt, I'm able to pretty much ignore him now. It takes an awful lot for me to really give up on someone, to stop wanting to do nice things for them, but this lad has got to that point. Every time I think of something nice I could bring him, even if it's just handing him some sudafed for stuffed sinuses, I realize that this is reinforcing the idea that if you wait long enough and act pathetic enough, someone will hand you what you need. I have less and less patience with that mentality the more I'm exposed to it.

I've had a lot of things handed to me in this life, my parents are in the middle class income bracket and generous people, but I don't remember ever expecting it. I'll know that I can ask for this or that for Christmas, or that my parents will help me fly out to visit them, but I don't get mad or pouty if they can't afford to, or decide they'd rather upgrade their computer. More often than not I feel as though I've been spoiled, and I feel guilty for having been given some things that others have to work their asses off to obtain. Then I realize that sitting about beating my breast because I'm a poor little not-quite-rich girl would be a waste of all the gifts I've been given, both material and intellectual, by my parents, and that would be ungrateful. The best way to repay it is to improve myself, and build myself up so that I can pass on to my children what my parents gave to me: safety, comfort, travel and intellectual freedom.

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