Monday, January 27, 2003

We had one of those talks last night.

With anyone else those talks are a bad thing, full of tension and unspoken wants and resentments. With Matt...we sit and have a genial conversation about what we each like and dislike about our relationship. When I say dislike, it's really more a case of "Well I'd like a bit less of this and bit more of that, but that other thing you're worried about, doesn't bother me at all."

We do that every now and then, sit about objectively discussing our relationship. Talking about how it is rather comical that he's now going to be living a block (plus half a house) away from me, but that we're glad to be doing it this way, and we'll end up living together soon enough anyway. Talking about how it's surprising that both of us are happy being around each other all the time, that we don't get sick of each other, when we're both a little withdrawn and reclusive in general (yes I am, you just don't get to see it because when I'm being reclusive I'm, well, not there). We can talk about all these things without it being a game of trying to find the truth hidden in the heap of insinuations, because what we say to each other is what we mean. That level of truth and trust is something I doubted really existed before I met Matt, especially with the trends of all the people I've known through the years.

It's marvellous to me how we can talk about the supposedly big scary internal issues and it feels like a friendly chat over coffee. The most tense we get with each other is when one of us is worrying that the other isn't happy, and maybe it's something to do with "us". Then we touch base, look each other in the eye and say I am so lucky to have you, to have this friendship and love with you, everything else is better just because I have your face at the end of the day...

Life may not be any simpler because of it, but it feels like less of a monumental challenge to get on with it now.

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