Monday, May 06, 2002
I'm not entirely sure why it feels so odd to be questioned by my family about the guy I'm seeing. Mum and Dad never did that when I was younger, the whole background check "is he a suitable young man?" conversation never really happened with Kenny. Maybe it's because this time there really isn't anything to keep from them, but I feel that they're going to hang up the phone and try to figure out what it is I'm leaving out, what's wrong with this one. She can't possibly have actually found a nice respectful young man, and still like him...can she? I don't want to tell them all about it, because it's mine, and I know it's ok, it's allowed, and it's most likely a really good thing, I don't want it to be analyzed to death. There's nothing really to analyze. Is that what scares me? Is it easier for me to deal when there's something wrong, something to hide from my parents, some obstacle of propriety or common sense to ignore/overcome? At what point did wrong become more comfortable, when did conflict start to feel like home? Am I still so strongly affected by the type of relationships everyone around me had when I was a teenager?
It bothers me to think what my last couple of years must have looked like to my extended family, and I know that they are so incredibly impressed with the changes I've made and how far I've got since June, but still it rankles that they got to see any of what came before. I feel like I must have been some kind of surreal soap opera to them. "What's she doing in Atlanta?" "Why did she end up there...?" "She's living with WHO?" Now I feel ashamed of the choices I made, even though I know why I made them at the time, I'm ashamed of how low I got, how cheap I sold myself. I am ashamed of being so weak for so long. I guess this will pass too, just like the anger and resentment. It doesn't bother me so much when the questions are coming from my parents, when my Mum gets so excited because he's only a year older than me, because they know the whole story now, but my other family don't and I don't see any reason to change that, it would only give them pain.
Gods, if I get this tangled up inside myself just from the idea that I'm seeing someone, that he's lovely, and that it's allowed...should I really be inflicting myself on anyone in the capacity of a girlfriend? It's not fair to let my past hurt an innocent bystander. I don't want to let it in to this, I want to keep just one area of my life free, but it's the area that logically is the most affected.
K'wyn, thank you for kicking my ass last night, you're right, I never should let myself use those words. What has happened to me doesn't make me a bad person, no matter how tainted I feel. Past mistakes are in the past, and past events over which I had no control are just that: events over which I had no control. Who I am now is what matters. Maybe if I keep repeating that it'll finally sink in.
It's ok to be scared when things start going right, I just have to make sure my fear of making a mistake doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
~Ash...the pensive faerie