Friday, May 31, 2002


Muah hah hah.

All hail my countrywoman Shirley Manson.

Wow, it's the weekend again already.

There've been a couple of "important" conversations between me and you know who this week, usually the important ones are the horrible ones, but these have served to show that we really are on the same page. Which is still amazing to me, to have come at life from such different starting points, and in such different ways, and somehow end up in the same place. Geographically and emotionally. Life may suck when it's in "teaching" mode, but right now es la dolce vita.

For some reason I'm coming out with random phrases in random foreign languages today too.

Thursday, May 30, 2002

Blah, I have blogger's block.

Utterly fabulous (dahlink) long weekend, War was great, I should write a nice in-character description of it, but as I mentioned b4, I've got a touch of the blogger's block. Or I'm just not in the right mindset to ramble in that way.

Matt got a new toy (read: SWORD) and according to people who know their stuff, he got a good deal on it too...but not a good enough deal to make it worth using the thing for trailblazing, even if it does have an extremely nice balance to it.

Meanwhile, the week is already almost over, and I get to go see GARBAGE tomorrow! Which (almost) makes up for it being drill weekend and a seriously reduced dosage of Matt time. Not that I should complain, I got extra last weekend!

I am actually getting used to relaxing about being relaxed. Consistently having a good time together, and consistently finding him to be a genuinely nice person, not to mention intelligent and fun to be around…it makes it kind of hard to be nervous. Which is a good thing. A very good thing indeed.

Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Now I'm oficially an employee I'm started to get really excited about War. *happy pseudo renaissence dance*

I also had a flash of inspiration for the cooking heat-source problem: I own an oval galvanised tub that came wrapped around a tequila party set, and the tub is sitting on our balcony doing nothing, when it could be sitting in a shallow pit in Potrero containing hot coals, which is a much more meaningful existance for a galvanised metal tub.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Panic over, I guess. It's considerably harder to turn off than on.

Anyway, the summary for today is that I'm going to sign the paperwork to be rehired on Thursday, and Vincenzo managed to arrange for me to be paid the back pay directly by the Whittier, which means I'll get it on or by the 1st of June.

Breathing would probably be a good idea at this point.

I'm trying to convince myself that going to photography would actually help, because it's getting bloody ridiculous to keep missing it like this.

I want to go home. Even being a grown up you're not supposed to have to deal with this kind of shit. On what planet does being a responsible employer involve putting me in the position where I am forced to borrow money?

My permanent appointment at the Whittier should be fully processed today. Yay right? Wrong.

They can't just tack this past SEVEN WEEKSof work on to this paycheck, it has to be processed as an award. Which takes six weeks. many times did I say to Vincenzo that I needed to be sure of getting a FULL paycheck at the end of May? But it's ok, because I can borrow money from him...

Monday, May 20, 2002

I am getting so damn spoiled, I just keep having great weekends.

Ouch Ouch Ouch.

But mommy I was wearing sunblock...not that you'd ever know it by the huge red and white striped pattern across my shoulderblades. Bullfrog has served me so well, and never made me break out, so maybe this bottle has just expired, or I didn't put enough on, or the carseat rubbed it off or...I'm destined to be paranoid and sunburned all my life. (reference to Skunk Anansie album title btw)

But it was a great day, it's always nice to encounter a random group of strangers who are all personable and just plain happy there's new folks around. The offroading community seems to tend towards the inclusive, rather than the exclusive.

Back to work I go. Here's hoping for a nice impressive yield on this purification. so I can bugger off early on Friday to go to WAR!!!!

Quiche. Always a good bet, well, ok, usually a good bet, and he liked it. (yay) And I have leftovers for my dinner tonight. (double-yay)

Friday, May 17, 2002


I promised to cook. AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO MAKE!!

*sigh* I hadn't even realised that I was worried about it, but he likes my poetry!!!

He even said that with one of them "it was like you'd climbed inside my head for that moment, because it was exactly how I felt"

It never ceases to amaze me that these things I write can actually speak to another.

Thursday, May 16, 2002

Note To Self

It's a test girl, a challenge. See that big chalk ring on the ground? That means you're being awarded points for style and efficiency, not paranoia and self-pity.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

It's official: I'm really really bad at Wednesdays.

Monday, May 13, 2002

Hrm. I think this will describe it best, I wrote it in my hardcopy journal/scribblings book a couple days ago:

This is all very new to me. I'm not used to someone who makes no demands. I'm not used to someone who doesn't pry or probe for the gory details. It might be easier if he asked more questions, but then he wouldn't be him.

Get used to it girl, this whole trust thing: it doesn't always have to end up broken. Stop waiting for the sting, or you'll end up making it for yourself.


Friday, May 10, 2002

If I can be to just one person what my new "family" have been to me...then it's all been worth it. If I can help someone build their own happiness, then I am happy too.

Thursday, May 09, 2002


I suppose I should be happy that I've made progress. It doesn't feel like progress to "only" break down every once in a while. Nor does every few days really feel like every once in a while, but it IS better than constant mindless panic.

It really is. Honest Guv.

I'm impatient, I want to be happy all the time, and I want it NOW. But no-one gets to have that, not really. And the strange thing is that even as I weep, I know deep down that I am happy in this life now.

~Asher-Rose the pensive (but optimistic) faerie

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

For the record: I love my friends.

Sitting here talking to Bob, Colin the sleepy one, Kyrwyn, Radiskull, and getting an email from Matt talking about a book I loaned him that he's actually reading and enjoying makes me realise how many cool people I know now, and how lucky I am to know even one of them.

Yeah yeah, sickly gooey saccerine sentiments.

Tough. I'm feeling very blessed, I might as well tell the people who make me blessed.


This Important Life Skill [>] made my day...

Yummy. Alseep before midnight. My bed rocks. No, I don't mean that, it doens't actually rock, unless there's a quake (or the people downstairs REALLY turn up their bass) I meant my bed is the best.

Plus I got up early enough to go through a set on each ofthe machines in our complex's gym. They're very arm-centric though. Pity there isn't room for the full set of machines.

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

Meh. I ache all over, I can't figure out if it's from karate or I'm coming down with one of the many colds I've been studiously avoiding for the past month. Yes, I did say karate. I'm learning to kick ass properly, bring me your irritating co-workers and I'll happily practice on them. ;-p

Feeling much better internally though today. Thanks for kicking my ass/giving me a leg up out of the pit.

~Ash the sleepy faerie

Monday, May 06, 2002

Oh, and I know why I've been afraid to tell: the last person I told entirely missed the point. That got fixed today. Hooray for people who get it.

I've figured out one bit: It bothers me that they're more worried now than they were when I was 16. Stable door after the horse has bolted anyone?

None of us could have known. That being true (which it is) how am I going to protect any child of mine from the same fate?

I'm not entirely sure why it feels so odd to be questioned by my family about the guy I'm seeing. Mum and Dad never did that when I was younger, the whole background check "is he a suitable young man?" conversation never really happened with Kenny. Maybe it's because this time there really isn't anything to keep from them, but I feel that they're going to hang up the phone and try to figure out what it is I'm leaving out, what's wrong with this one. She can't possibly have actually found a nice respectful young man, and still like him...can she? I don't want to tell them all about it, because it's mine, and I know it's ok, it's allowed, and it's most likely a really good thing, I don't want it to be analyzed to death. There's nothing really to analyze. Is that what scares me? Is it easier for me to deal when there's something wrong, something to hide from my parents, some obstacle of propriety or common sense to ignore/overcome? At what point did wrong become more comfortable, when did conflict start to feel like home? Am I still so strongly affected by the type of relationships everyone around me had when I was a teenager?

It bothers me to think what my last couple of years must have looked like to my extended family, and I know that they are so incredibly impressed with the changes I've made and how far I've got since June, but still it rankles that they got to see any of what came before. I feel like I must have been some kind of surreal soap opera to them. "What's she doing in Atlanta?" "Why did she end up there...?" "She's living with WHO?" Now I feel ashamed of the choices I made, even though I know why I made them at the time, I'm ashamed of how low I got, how cheap I sold myself. I am ashamed of being so weak for so long. I guess this will pass too, just like the anger and resentment. It doesn't bother me so much when the questions are coming from my parents, when my Mum gets so excited because he's only a year older than me, because they know the whole story now, but my other family don't and I don't see any reason to change that, it would only give them pain.

Gods, if I get this tangled up inside myself just from the idea that I'm seeing someone, that he's lovely, and that it's allowed...should I really be inflicting myself on anyone in the capacity of a girlfriend? It's not fair to let my past hurt an innocent bystander. I don't want to let it in to this, I want to keep just one area of my life free, but it's the area that logically is the most affected.

K'wyn, thank you for kicking my ass last night, you're right, I never should let myself use those words. What has happened to me doesn't make me a bad person, no matter how tainted I feel. Past mistakes are in the past, and past events over which I had no control are just that: events over which I had no control. Who I am now is what matters. Maybe if I keep repeating that it'll finally sink in.

It's ok to be scared when things start going right, I just have to make sure my fear of making a mistake doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

~Ash...the pensive faerie

Friday, May 03, 2002


The BNP (Brittish National Party), otherwise known as neo Nazi union-jack waving lunatics, have taken two local government seats in the recent elections back home. What is it with people electing uber-right wingers? Does no-one pay any attention to HISTORY

Thursday, May 02, 2002

OK, so I've established that I'm pretty good at crisis management. With a little help from my friends. Now the scary part: can I do the "normal" uneventful thing? Without arbitrarily manufacturing more crises for myself just to make it *ahem* easier?

Only time will tell.


Cell phones are good.

*waves* hey Bob, you're linked from my site now, if you don't like guess I'll have to remove the link.

*thwacks herself in the forehead*

That was an attempt at a public apology and admission of stupidity.

Warning: this girl is a fruitcake.
Addendum Warning: this Fae is all too human sometimes.

And what's all that about you ask?

Well...*settles herself perched over back of chair and unfurls wings for full range of expression*

It seems that this little Fae has been mis-handling the new mission, commonly known as "go forth and date people". Has she been flashing the passers by? Setting fire to those who randomly don't email her back after conversing for a while? Wearing that red top just to taunt the poor bunnies? Nope, apparently she fell foul to the most evil of behaviors: trying to be a nice person

*looks down at her lap for a while, trying to find exactly the right words* If I had said, at any point, "look, don't get any ideas buster, 'cause I'm kinda spoken for" how would it have been taken? The plan was for me to go check out a karate class and hang out with one of the instructors afterwards, my dating status didn't really seem an important factor, and I realize that was a mistake on my part, but I really had no idea that my turning up was taken as a grand gesture of potential romance and other such warm fuzzies. I did realize during the course of the evening that it was something I should mention, but couldn't see how to do so tactfully, the situation was made more urgent by a request from K'wyn for company, not the kind of request for company one can turn down.

When I left to go to the beach for a vigil with K'wyn I was worried that I had handled things badly.

I am so sorry to have caused anyone any kind of distress. But I keep coming back to this: if you believe I'm capable of being that bitchy and untruthful, why do you have any interest in me at all?

~Ash, the misguided accidental dragon-chewing faerie.

Rosie's theme song for the day, to remind her to be more careful:

Bigmouth Strikes Again
Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
when I said I'd like to
smash every tooth in your head

Sweetness, sweetness I was only joking
when I said by rights you should be
bludgeoned in your bed

And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
now I know how Joan of Arc felt
as the flames rose to her Roman nose
and her Walkman started to melt

Bigmouth, bigmouth
bigmouth strikes again
and I've got no right to take my place
with the human race

And now I know how Joan of Arc felt
now I know of Joan of Arc felt
as the flames rose to her Roman nose
and her hearing aid started to melt

Bigmouth, bigmouth
bigmouth strikes again
and I've got no right to take my place
with the human race

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

Happy May Day.

Merry Beltaine.

Watch out for communist rioters and naked pagans.