Yesterday I got to bottle-feed a 6 week old kitten who is being hand-reared by a friend. Teeny crazy fluffy grey thing with pointy tufts on her ears just like a lynx, she was rescued at one day old and the shelter passed her along to my friend for bottle feeding and much TLC. She kept ten adults completely entertained for hours just by running about, chasing a toy and batting at our hands and feet.
In other furry-things related news, I am now on the foot part of my first ever sock. After I complete it, I will either make another one as like it as I can manage (maybe minus the small hole where the heel flap meets the foot), or I will find a one-legged person to give it to. A friend of mine has taken up spinning, I have told him that if he spins the wool, I'll knit him socks out of it.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Done for
The final exam of my epidemiology class was on Monday, I think it went well; though the article review assignment dragged my A- down to a B, the final might boost it back up to the land of A. Everybody did poorly in the article review. The online grades posting tells me my scores, and the averages for the class, and I'm above average on all but one assignment, though not spectacularly above average. Either way, it's DONE, I have made it through my first university class since 2001, next stop GRE review and writing the personal statement for my application.
Meanwhile, on the job front, I think I can now clarify the to-and-fro I've been hinting at for months, which will probably also help explain the DEF CON 4 stress levels over the past year. My supervisor/boss is relocating to a university in Philadelphia, where she will get her own lab space and extra money for grad students and staff members like me. I was offered a position there, but neither Matt nor I want to move this year. Oddly, Philly is on my list of potential cities to live in for the future, but I was thinking 10+ years kind of future, like after grad school, with a kid or two, wanting a house with a yard and to be close to the in-laws. So, I had to figure out what to do to keep me in cat food and hand-dyed yarn in the interim. The university I work for is pretty good about finding positions for staff members left without a lab group, but there are a lot of research groups here, and I was concerned I wouldn't be able to find one that worked on stuff that interested me, or, worse, that I'd end up stuck in a group with unpleasant interpersonal dynamics. Scientists can be a bit of a mixed bag, and NONE of us get people-management training, not even the supervisors. I lucked out, I will be working with a bunch of very bright and straightforward people, the whole group is very low on drama, as the two professors in charge of it wouldn't stand for interpersonal nonsense and ego wars. They know about my plans to pursue an MPH, and will be supportive of my taking classes, which is essential as some of the MPH classes are in the middle of the day, so creative rescheduling will be required.
My current group wraps up the very last week of June, so we're in the last few weeks of experiments, focusing on finishing up a couple of projects before my boss and the grad student head off to Philly and start setting up there. It is hectic. I'm making a lot of to-do lists so that I don't miss anything I have to do each day. It's especially hectic because I'm taking this Friday off, and the next Friday, for a group trip to Idyllwild, and then May War in Potrero, the only condition for me being able to take this time off is that I have to get 5 days work done in 4 each week so my absence doesn't set us back. Whew.
So far the antidepressants seem to be a big force for good. The first week, on a half dose, I had a pretty bad sore throat, but that went away as soon as I went up to the full dose. I have been calmer, I have so much more mental and physical energy, and no nausea or crazy appetite stuff like the other AD I was on in 2001. I have still gotten stressed out periodically, but it's just so much less than before, and it's been a stressful couple of weeks, so it would be odd if I hadn't got upset at any point. Plus, I recovered fast from each upset. I think this is going to work out that they do just what I want them to do: take the edge off and enable me to take actions that will help my mental well being naturally, actions I was struggling to even begin because I was struggling to overcome the depression and anxiety in the first place. It's harder to take good care of yourself when you really don't see the point. It's harder to concentrate at work and do a good job when you're convinced it'll all fail anyway.
Speaking of work, I think my 40 little samples of homogenized brain have now thawed, so it's time for me to start doing my thing.
Meanwhile, on the job front, I think I can now clarify the to-and-fro I've been hinting at for months, which will probably also help explain the DEF CON 4 stress levels over the past year. My supervisor/boss is relocating to a university in Philadelphia, where she will get her own lab space and extra money for grad students and staff members like me. I was offered a position there, but neither Matt nor I want to move this year. Oddly, Philly is on my list of potential cities to live in for the future, but I was thinking 10+ years kind of future, like after grad school, with a kid or two, wanting a house with a yard and to be close to the in-laws. So, I had to figure out what to do to keep me in cat food and hand-dyed yarn in the interim. The university I work for is pretty good about finding positions for staff members left without a lab group, but there are a lot of research groups here, and I was concerned I wouldn't be able to find one that worked on stuff that interested me, or, worse, that I'd end up stuck in a group with unpleasant interpersonal dynamics. Scientists can be a bit of a mixed bag, and NONE of us get people-management training, not even the supervisors. I lucked out, I will be working with a bunch of very bright and straightforward people, the whole group is very low on drama, as the two professors in charge of it wouldn't stand for interpersonal nonsense and ego wars. They know about my plans to pursue an MPH, and will be supportive of my taking classes, which is essential as some of the MPH classes are in the middle of the day, so creative rescheduling will be required.
My current group wraps up the very last week of June, so we're in the last few weeks of experiments, focusing on finishing up a couple of projects before my boss and the grad student head off to Philly and start setting up there. It is hectic. I'm making a lot of to-do lists so that I don't miss anything I have to do each day. It's especially hectic because I'm taking this Friday off, and the next Friday, for a group trip to Idyllwild, and then May War in Potrero, the only condition for me being able to take this time off is that I have to get 5 days work done in 4 each week so my absence doesn't set us back. Whew.
So far the antidepressants seem to be a big force for good. The first week, on a half dose, I had a pretty bad sore throat, but that went away as soon as I went up to the full dose. I have been calmer, I have so much more mental and physical energy, and no nausea or crazy appetite stuff like the other AD I was on in 2001. I have still gotten stressed out periodically, but it's just so much less than before, and it's been a stressful couple of weeks, so it would be odd if I hadn't got upset at any point. Plus, I recovered fast from each upset. I think this is going to work out that they do just what I want them to do: take the edge off and enable me to take actions that will help my mental well being naturally, actions I was struggling to even begin because I was struggling to overcome the depression and anxiety in the first place. It's harder to take good care of yourself when you really don't see the point. It's harder to concentrate at work and do a good job when you're convinced it'll all fail anyway.
Speaking of work, I think my 40 little samples of homogenized brain have now thawed, so it's time for me to start doing my thing.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Things have been up-and-down and back-and-forth a lot the past couple of weeks. Last week I had a doctor's appointment with a new general practitioner, I was going to ask about trying a different migraine med, since I stopped taking the one I had when I realized the medicine made me feel worse for the first 45 minutes after taking it (the migraine would then go away, but it wasn't worth the price of feeling stoned and unable to breathe for 45 min while the drug did it's thing). I also asked about some kind of anxiolytic. Otherwise known as anti-anxiety med. Otherwise known as antidepressant. You know: Prozac.
This does not mean that my depression/anxiety has got worse, it's more that it's not getting any better, I'm out of the falling apart crisis place, but I have spent the past year having a great week or two, where I'm well rested, getting some exercise, productive at work, not having to waste energy fighting the negativity, but all it takes is a night or two of disturbed sleep, or my period, and it knocks me into nearly month of just trying to get back on top of things. I'm not even talking getting my chores done, even on the good weeks I don't put away the laundry or hoover the rug as often as it needs. I'm talking about getting through my day without feeling hopeless and useless, without beating myself up, without having to struggle with myself over every tiny decision as though my entire future depends on what I have for breakfast or if I take route A or route B to work this morning.
What I really need is more time and less stress, a shorter commute, maybe working 75% time, maybe not taking a graduate level class, but none of those things are options. We can't afford to move, working 75% is not an option in my job, dropping the class would make me MORE depressed: I really want to move forward with graduate studies. I am thinking about taking a few days vacation for sanity time, but it's not enough. So I'm taking an antidepressant in lieu of actually relaxing and getting a holiday. How modern! I feel like such a well assimilated Californian.
More seriously, I decided to try this out again (I took an SSRI at the end of university) because there is an awful lot going on, at work and at home, and I want as much help as I can get to sail through the rest of the year without going kersplooey. Going kersplooey would include messing up the GRE and/or failing to get my application put together and submitted for the Masters program I want. Going kersplooey would also include getting those things done OK, but at the cost of frequent sick days from work just to keep my head together. It would also include dealing with grad school and work ok, but being miserable throughout and unable to enjoy time spent with my husband. Three balls: work, education, home. I do not want to drop any of them, they are all three very important. I hope that this new medication will make it a little easier to keep juggling.
This does not mean that my depression/anxiety has got worse, it's more that it's not getting any better, I'm out of the falling apart crisis place, but I have spent the past year having a great week or two, where I'm well rested, getting some exercise, productive at work, not having to waste energy fighting the negativity, but all it takes is a night or two of disturbed sleep, or my period, and it knocks me into nearly month of just trying to get back on top of things. I'm not even talking getting my chores done, even on the good weeks I don't put away the laundry or hoover the rug as often as it needs. I'm talking about getting through my day without feeling hopeless and useless, without beating myself up, without having to struggle with myself over every tiny decision as though my entire future depends on what I have for breakfast or if I take route A or route B to work this morning.
What I really need is more time and less stress, a shorter commute, maybe working 75% time, maybe not taking a graduate level class, but none of those things are options. We can't afford to move, working 75% is not an option in my job, dropping the class would make me MORE depressed: I really want to move forward with graduate studies. I am thinking about taking a few days vacation for sanity time, but it's not enough. So I'm taking an antidepressant in lieu of actually relaxing and getting a holiday. How modern! I feel like such a well assimilated Californian.
More seriously, I decided to try this out again (I took an SSRI at the end of university) because there is an awful lot going on, at work and at home, and I want as much help as I can get to sail through the rest of the year without going kersplooey. Going kersplooey would include messing up the GRE and/or failing to get my application put together and submitted for the Masters program I want. Going kersplooey would also include getting those things done OK, but at the cost of frequent sick days from work just to keep my head together. It would also include dealing with grad school and work ok, but being miserable throughout and unable to enjoy time spent with my husband. Three balls: work, education, home. I do not want to drop any of them, they are all three very important. I hope that this new medication will make it a little easier to keep juggling.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Classic Taupe
I did well on my midterm: 94 out of 100, I can definitely live with that. I think it's interesting that the questions a lot of people would have treated as "gimme" points, I skipped over because I focused more on memorizing the scientific terms than the acronyms for various medical associations and sources of information. Largely because the scientific terms are more interesting, therefore easier for me to remember. I think I should get extra bonus points for choosing the harder ones in the sections where we got to pick which bits we answered. (Of course I think that, I want a good grade, I want extra credit just for being fabulous. And British, definitely extra credit for being British).
Since I was cramming for my exam, the newly laminated floor of the back room has remained unfinished around the edges, sporting little edges of plastic sheeting and blue masking tape instead of an attractive skirting board. We made up for that this weekend by not only installing skirting board, but painting the room first. Mental note: next time paint BEFORE installing lovely new floor. Though we were lucky, we only got a few tiny spatters, which clean up easily when it's latex paint on laminate. For the painting Matt and I both wore coveralls from his days in the Navy. The ones he wore most days to work on the ships. We were very cute in our matching blue jumpsuits with the name on one side of the chest, and U.S. NAVY on the other. Next time we paint we'll have to get photos of the coveralls.
The room looks lovely now, it had been kind of sad with it's uninspiring carpet and dinged up walls with furniture smudges marking up the cheap white paint that came with the place. Now it is classic taupe with red cherry floor and the skirting boards are the same laminate colour as the floor. Hopefully this will inspire us to treat it as a real room, not just the storage shed with the computers in it. Next big project we are saving up for will be the same laminate floors in our bedroom, which is bigger, but a simpler shape, so hopefully will feel easier to do.
Matt is in NorCal on a business trip from today until Friday evening. With luck he'll make it in to San Francisco for dinner at least one evening, I wish that I could have gone up with him and made a little vacation of it, I love San Francisco. It's definitely a long weekend trip I want to do with him sometime.
Since I was cramming for my exam, the newly laminated floor of the back room has remained unfinished around the edges, sporting little edges of plastic sheeting and blue masking tape instead of an attractive skirting board. We made up for that this weekend by not only installing skirting board, but painting the room first. Mental note: next time paint BEFORE installing lovely new floor. Though we were lucky, we only got a few tiny spatters, which clean up easily when it's latex paint on laminate. For the painting Matt and I both wore coveralls from his days in the Navy. The ones he wore most days to work on the ships. We were very cute in our matching blue jumpsuits with the name on one side of the chest, and U.S. NAVY on the other. Next time we paint we'll have to get photos of the coveralls.
The room looks lovely now, it had been kind of sad with it's uninspiring carpet and dinged up walls with furniture smudges marking up the cheap white paint that came with the place. Now it is classic taupe with red cherry floor and the skirting boards are the same laminate colour as the floor. Hopefully this will inspire us to treat it as a real room, not just the storage shed with the computers in it. Next big project we are saving up for will be the same laminate floors in our bedroom, which is bigger, but a simpler shape, so hopefully will feel easier to do.
Matt is in NorCal on a business trip from today until Friday evening. With luck he'll make it in to San Francisco for dinner at least one evening, I wish that I could have gone up with him and made a little vacation of it, I love San Francisco. It's definitely a long weekend trip I want to do with him sometime.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
SPROING!
That is the sound of Spring. It has Sprung. I now have a waltz going around in my head that I learned as part of the School For Girls choir, it's a good waltz, so it's OK. Though I always thought the bit about the violets blooming was inaccurate because there never were a lot of violets around, crocuses and daffodils and a few early flaming parrot tulips. No violets.
Living here I feel as though we go straight into summer, the bright hot sun, with a breeze that varies between a little warm and perfectly cool. I really wish my lab had windows so I could enjoy watching the weather go by.
This coming Monday I have my first exam since early 2001, which was my ill-fated finals in London. This midterm is based on an 18 page terms list with definitions of words related to epidemiology. Some of the definitions are actually contradictory to the text book, a lot of them are inelegantly worded, but I have been told "stick to the version in the list, even if the book says otherwise". I am torn: I don't know if I'm more worried about being able to learn it all by then, or about being marked down for an "incorrect" answer because I find it easier to memorize paraphrased definitions that make more sense to me.
I suppose this is the part of "school" that I find the hardest. Not the learning and understanding of new stuff, it's the flaming hoops of nonsense you have to jump through, the atrociously written homework assignment it takes longer to decipher than to actually answer, and the terms list that someone pulled out of their ass and then didn't even bother to proof read before flinging it at us. Um. Sorry. That was a little disgusting.
I know I will have to deal with more of this, and I know that if I do go through this program, THEN get into the Epi Doctoral program, and end up teaching this class, I will want to rewrite the terms list, and maybe I'll be told it's not allowed, and maybe I won't possibly have the time to, but I really wish academic success were based more on learning and intelligence than on the ability to parrot back a definition exactly as written, even if parroting their exact wording may detract from real understanding of the term or concept.
Living here I feel as though we go straight into summer, the bright hot sun, with a breeze that varies between a little warm and perfectly cool. I really wish my lab had windows so I could enjoy watching the weather go by.
This coming Monday I have my first exam since early 2001, which was my ill-fated finals in London. This midterm is based on an 18 page terms list with definitions of words related to epidemiology. Some of the definitions are actually contradictory to the text book, a lot of them are inelegantly worded, but I have been told "stick to the version in the list, even if the book says otherwise". I am torn: I don't know if I'm more worried about being able to learn it all by then, or about being marked down for an "incorrect" answer because I find it easier to memorize paraphrased definitions that make more sense to me.
I suppose this is the part of "school" that I find the hardest. Not the learning and understanding of new stuff, it's the flaming hoops of nonsense you have to jump through, the atrociously written homework assignment it takes longer to decipher than to actually answer, and the terms list that someone pulled out of their ass and then didn't even bother to proof read before flinging it at us. Um. Sorry. That was a little disgusting.
I know I will have to deal with more of this, and I know that if I do go through this program, THEN get into the Epi Doctoral program, and end up teaching this class, I will want to rewrite the terms list, and maybe I'll be told it's not allowed, and maybe I won't possibly have the time to, but I really wish academic success were based more on learning and intelligence than on the ability to parrot back a definition exactly as written, even if parroting their exact wording may detract from real understanding of the term or concept.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
On pain
That crazy spurt of exertion a couple of weeks ago really knocked me on my ass. Tweaky shoulder/armpit was followed by achy back and stiffness, then we installed laminate flooring in our spare room this past weekend and it just about killed me. Monday and Tuesday I was sore all over, mostly my legs and bum, but my back was tight and stiff too, walking involved a little mantra of "oh! ah! eeeee! that hurts!" going on in my head.
I cannot attempt to keep up with Matt yet. That is what I have learned. He's working out 2-3 times a week, I'm trying to get that regular, and I won't get there if I keep overdoing it and going into the minor injury-> inactivity-> painful stiffness cycle. I also need to actually study for the midterm I have in two weeks, which is on terms. That means memorization, which can only happen through study. So I am probably going to have to say no to any more 8-mile hikes in the next month, I think Matt has a hard time imagining me needing to pace myself quite so much, he's out of shape right now, but out of shape for him means pooping out after 45 miniutes, then not being particularly sore the next day. Bastard.
I have less stamina than him, AND I pay for it more the next day. I need to look up which foods help prevent muscle aches, I'm sure I read somewhere that certain fruits help muscles recover faster.
I cannot attempt to keep up with Matt yet. That is what I have learned. He's working out 2-3 times a week, I'm trying to get that regular, and I won't get there if I keep overdoing it and going into the minor injury-> inactivity-> painful stiffness cycle. I also need to actually study for the midterm I have in two weeks, which is on terms. That means memorization, which can only happen through study. So I am probably going to have to say no to any more 8-mile hikes in the next month, I think Matt has a hard time imagining me needing to pace myself quite so much, he's out of shape right now, but out of shape for him means pooping out after 45 miniutes, then not being particularly sore the next day. Bastard.
I have less stamina than him, AND I pay for it more the next day. I need to look up which foods help prevent muscle aches, I'm sure I read somewhere that certain fruits help muscles recover faster.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
*drumroll*
So, the new jeans, which required a hop to yank them over my bum, and a little bit of sucking in the gut to get them done up when I bought them 10 days ago, are now slightly loose.
We started on the "strict" phase of South Beach on Saturday: for two weeks no starches, no sugars (even fruit), meals are lean protein and veg, snacks are low fat cheese or small portions of nuts. We even CHEATED by sharing a bottle of wine on Saturday, and I had an oat bar thingy while studying at Starbucks on Sunday, though my drink was virtuous unsweetened black tea. We have both been bending the rules with low fat yogurt, which I suspect is only banned because some people might go overboard on it, and lots of low fat yogurt have mucho sugar in them.
I have lost 3.8lb. Matt has lost 6-9lb! (He can't remember his start weight)
This South Beach Diet thing is working pretty well.
On and off for the past few years I have been reading up on truly healthy eating habits (good fats, nutrients from whole foods rather than supplements, that kind of thing), making those small changes that add up to bigger ones, thinking up simple rules of thunb to follow. Rules like "limit starches to one meal a day", and "eat regularly throughout the day to prevent blood sugar spikes and dips". But it has always been hard to stick to ALL of them, or even remember all of them. I know all this useful nutritional science stuff, backed up by my biomed background and reading up on blood chemistry, hypoglycemia and mood swings, but I was having such a hard time putting all that knowledge into action. It never seemed to formulate into a PLAN, with reference charts and simple guidelines. I had a picture of healthy eating for life in my head, and I kept hearing things about the South Beach Diet that made it sound pretty similar to the picture in my head. Finally, when we realized that we had each gained about 20lb in the past 4-6 months, Matt and I made a pact. The Blubber Stops Here. I checked the book out of the library.
I do not have the tweaky crazy feeling I get with schemes that require everything to be counted or tallied up, I am not fighting off hunger pangs. I feel mildly odd, the sort of boredom-initiated mild urge to go obtain something chocolatey that is a real problem for me, but because I have a PLAN, and have this plan drawn up for me in a handy book, I am able to chase this idle fancying of sweets off before it turns into a full on brownie obsession.
He's been doing better with exercise than I have, but I pulled something in my shoulder last week. I go back to the cardio kick thing tomorrow.
We started on the "strict" phase of South Beach on Saturday: for two weeks no starches, no sugars (even fruit), meals are lean protein and veg, snacks are low fat cheese or small portions of nuts. We even CHEATED by sharing a bottle of wine on Saturday, and I had an oat bar thingy while studying at Starbucks on Sunday, though my drink was virtuous unsweetened black tea. We have both been bending the rules with low fat yogurt, which I suspect is only banned because some people might go overboard on it, and lots of low fat yogurt have mucho sugar in them.
I have lost 3.8lb. Matt has lost 6-9lb! (He can't remember his start weight)
This South Beach Diet thing is working pretty well.
On and off for the past few years I have been reading up on truly healthy eating habits (good fats, nutrients from whole foods rather than supplements, that kind of thing), making those small changes that add up to bigger ones, thinking up simple rules of thunb to follow. Rules like "limit starches to one meal a day", and "eat regularly throughout the day to prevent blood sugar spikes and dips". But it has always been hard to stick to ALL of them, or even remember all of them. I know all this useful nutritional science stuff, backed up by my biomed background and reading up on blood chemistry, hypoglycemia and mood swings, but I was having such a hard time putting all that knowledge into action. It never seemed to formulate into a PLAN, with reference charts and simple guidelines. I had a picture of healthy eating for life in my head, and I kept hearing things about the South Beach Diet that made it sound pretty similar to the picture in my head. Finally, when we realized that we had each gained about 20lb in the past 4-6 months, Matt and I made a pact. The Blubber Stops Here. I checked the book out of the library.
I do not have the tweaky crazy feeling I get with schemes that require everything to be counted or tallied up, I am not fighting off hunger pangs. I feel mildly odd, the sort of boredom-initiated mild urge to go obtain something chocolatey that is a real problem for me, but because I have a PLAN, and have this plan drawn up for me in a handy book, I am able to chase this idle fancying of sweets off before it turns into a full on brownie obsession.
He's been doing better with exercise than I have, but I pulled something in my shoulder last week. I go back to the cardio kick thing tomorrow.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
notes on current happenings
May or may not become fleshed out into a real post.
new trousers
7 days of exercise: cardio-kick thursday followed by hiking saturday followed by ouch followed by (brief) yoga tuesday andback to cardio-kick tonight skipping cardio-kick because of a funny muscle twinge in my armpit
it wasn't snowing there yesterday...no wonder that wind was so cold
south beach starts saturday
new trousers
7 days of exercise: cardio-kick thursday followed by hiking saturday followed by ouch followed by (brief) yoga tuesday and
it wasn't snowing there yesterday...no wonder that wind was so cold
south beach starts saturday
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Edinburgh + London + San Diego = Philadelphia/NY?
| What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Northeast Judging by how you talk you are probably from north Jersey, New York City, Connecticut or Rhode Island. Chances are, if you are from New York City (and not those other places) people would probably be able to tell if they actually heard you speak. | |
| Philadelphia | |
| The Inland North | |
| The Midland | |
| Boston | |
| The South | |
| The West | |
| North Central | |
| What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz | |
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
I am a flawed human being
Why is that so hard to admit?
In my tarot deck, one of the cards that speaks to me so much I almost had it done as a tattoo is the Princess of Swords. First off, a lot of decks don't have a Princess, they have King, Queen, Prince and Page (or Knight), my deck has Prince & Princess, which makes more sense to me as a set with K&Q, besides being more balanced gender-wise.
Anyway, the significance of the Princess of Swords in my deck is "control". She is kneeling upright in a field, with stormy clouds behind her, holding a sword up in front of her face, holding it by the hilt, keeping it upright with both hands, the sword seems to be creating a bright rift in the storm clouds above her, as though she is using it to gather or dispel the storm (I can never decide which). You don't see her face, just her long hair flowing out from the center line, like everything else in the image. The trees behind her are bowed sideways, their branches whipping about in the wind. Her spine and the sword make a strong line up the center, from which everything flows outwards. I feel her fighting to keep that upright line, feel the tension in her legs as she kneels, the strength in her shoulders as her arms reach to hold the pose and keep the sword upright. Active, engaged muscles, not just tightened and cramped. Everything in her body is reaching and focused towards the tip of the sword, channeling her energy into whatever spell she is casting (or force she is fighting).
For a long time I have been convinced that this card means so much to me because it is what I seek. Control over my life, emotions, surroundings, destiny. Over the past few days it has begun to dawn on me that this card means so much to me, not because it is what I need, but because it is what I need to let go of. What I am most afraid to give up. Even though I know it is an illusion.
In my tarot deck, one of the cards that speaks to me so much I almost had it done as a tattoo is the Princess of Swords. First off, a lot of decks don't have a Princess, they have King, Queen, Prince and Page (or Knight), my deck has Prince & Princess, which makes more sense to me as a set with K&Q, besides being more balanced gender-wise.
Anyway, the significance of the Princess of Swords in my deck is "control". She is kneeling upright in a field, with stormy clouds behind her, holding a sword up in front of her face, holding it by the hilt, keeping it upright with both hands, the sword seems to be creating a bright rift in the storm clouds above her, as though she is using it to gather or dispel the storm (I can never decide which). You don't see her face, just her long hair flowing out from the center line, like everything else in the image. The trees behind her are bowed sideways, their branches whipping about in the wind. Her spine and the sword make a strong line up the center, from which everything flows outwards. I feel her fighting to keep that upright line, feel the tension in her legs as she kneels, the strength in her shoulders as her arms reach to hold the pose and keep the sword upright. Active, engaged muscles, not just tightened and cramped. Everything in her body is reaching and focused towards the tip of the sword, channeling her energy into whatever spell she is casting (or force she is fighting).
For a long time I have been convinced that this card means so much to me because it is what I seek. Control over my life, emotions, surroundings, destiny. Over the past few days it has begun to dawn on me that this card means so much to me, not because it is what I need, but because it is what I need to let go of. What I am most afraid to give up. Even though I know it is an illusion.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Lasagne fest
Last weekend we made lasagne, with meatballs in it, to eat for lunches all week. Today I am making a spinach/roasted red pepper veggie lasagne to christen our dining set with it's first dinner party. Unless you count eating at it with my parents the other week.
I think this is going to be a pretty soupy lasagne, lots of moist vegetables in it. If it works well I will post the recipe, which is from a Williams Sonoma "healthful eating" book.
Things (read: my moods) have been pretty up and down since the flat tire. Though the general trend is up, and less freaking out. I didn't even freak out when I calculated that we owed over a thousand dollars on our income tax for 2006.
I think this is going to be a pretty soupy lasagne, lots of moist vegetables in it. If it works well I will post the recipe, which is from a Williams Sonoma "healthful eating" book.
Things (read: my moods) have been pretty up and down since the flat tire. Though the general trend is up, and less freaking out. I didn't even freak out when I calculated that we owed over a thousand dollars on our income tax for 2006.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Thursday is the new Tuesday
About four years ago, a friend and I decided that Tuesday was the most evil day of the week, not Monday as so many cartoon strips on office life seem to claim. Tuesday was always the day that Things seemed to happen or go wrong. Not that we'd realize it was Tuesday and then suddenly everything sucked, more that either one or both of us would have one of Those Days, and in the middle of recounting what had made it one of Those Days, it would dawn on the sufferer that it had also, coincidentally, been a Tuesday. Tuesdays seemed to bring with them things like painfully broken fingernails, parking tickets, stubbed toes that led directly to spilling coffee on brand new light-coloured pants. Tuesdays also involved trying to chat up someone nice, then realizing immediately afterwards that there was a large piece of food lodged between your front teeth, or a blob of barbecue sauce on the end of your nose. All of the ironic stuff that happened to Alanis Morissette in that song, only with less irony and more "oh, I really didn't need THIS today..."
Yesterday felt like a Tuesday.
I woke up feeling completely unrested and headachey, I knew I had a few things to take care of at work that could not be easily passed off to someone else, so I went in and tried to get as much stuff done as possible before my brain completely shut down. At 11am I walked to my car, hoping that the 3 or so hour nap I'd be able to fit in before heading back to pick up Matt (we commuted together this week) would be enough to fix the beginnings of a migraine that were making me feel weak and nauseous. It is a sign of how discombobulated I was that when I started to pull out of my parking spot and felt the steering wheel pull, heard the odd grinding wobbly noise emanating from the front wheel of my car...I kept checking and rechecking my handbrake, making sure it was off, kept thinking "I must have parked with the wheels turned to the side, it's sorting itself out". I was convinced that I'd got a cardboard box jammed up in the wheel well somehow and it was working its way out. Fortunately I was also together enough to get out of my car and look for the source of the oddness as soon as I was clear of the space, because my front driver's side tire was completely flat. So much for a nap.
By 1pm the roadside assistance guy had the spare on (shutup, I know HOW to change a tire, but I've never done it, and the middle of a migraine is not a good time to practice a new skill that involves hoisting a car on a lever). Turns out it was good he was there with his box of tricks, because the little spare was half flat too, and needed a lot of air added. By 2pm I was home, after driving along the 52 with my hazard light flashing, keeping under 50mph and trying not to be too terrified of the idiots who zoomed up behind me and rode my ass for a while before registering the whole FLASHING HAZARD LIGHTS thing, at which point they politely overtook me while giving me the finger. By 3pm I was paying the dealership $47 for fixing the tear in my tire, caused by a small hollow metal spike of unknown origin. I blame Miramar Road.
So the whole adventure was finished just in time for me to turn around and head back along the 52 (this time at full speed) to collect Matt from work. No nap for me.
The day got better after that, I had a bath, ate homemade pizza and went to bed early after sitting on the couch for a while with a very purry Tali. Friendly cats make up for a lot of Tuesdays (and Thursdays).
Yesterday felt like a Tuesday.
I woke up feeling completely unrested and headachey, I knew I had a few things to take care of at work that could not be easily passed off to someone else, so I went in and tried to get as much stuff done as possible before my brain completely shut down. At 11am I walked to my car, hoping that the 3 or so hour nap I'd be able to fit in before heading back to pick up Matt (we commuted together this week) would be enough to fix the beginnings of a migraine that were making me feel weak and nauseous. It is a sign of how discombobulated I was that when I started to pull out of my parking spot and felt the steering wheel pull, heard the odd grinding wobbly noise emanating from the front wheel of my car...I kept checking and rechecking my handbrake, making sure it was off, kept thinking "I must have parked with the wheels turned to the side, it's sorting itself out". I was convinced that I'd got a cardboard box jammed up in the wheel well somehow and it was working its way out. Fortunately I was also together enough to get out of my car and look for the source of the oddness as soon as I was clear of the space, because my front driver's side tire was completely flat. So much for a nap.
By 1pm the roadside assistance guy had the spare on (shutup, I know HOW to change a tire, but I've never done it, and the middle of a migraine is not a good time to practice a new skill that involves hoisting a car on a lever). Turns out it was good he was there with his box of tricks, because the little spare was half flat too, and needed a lot of air added. By 2pm I was home, after driving along the 52 with my hazard light flashing, keeping under 50mph and trying not to be too terrified of the idiots who zoomed up behind me and rode my ass for a while before registering the whole FLASHING HAZARD LIGHTS thing, at which point they politely overtook me while giving me the finger. By 3pm I was paying the dealership $47 for fixing the tear in my tire, caused by a small hollow metal spike of unknown origin. I blame Miramar Road.
So the whole adventure was finished just in time for me to turn around and head back along the 52 (this time at full speed) to collect Matt from work. No nap for me.
The day got better after that, I had a bath, ate homemade pizza and went to bed early after sitting on the couch for a while with a very purry Tali. Friendly cats make up for a lot of Tuesdays (and Thursdays).
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Jonesing
Why Amazon, why?
Why are you having problems processing YOUR OWN visa account, thus delaying the shipping of my shiny new DSLR camera (Canon XTi) Forcing me to further upgrade the shipping to one-day, so I get it before the weekend. Don't you know the suffering of a geek awaiting a new toy?
Nuts. I'll just use American Express. I was going to cancel the amazon card anyway.
Why are you having problems processing YOUR OWN visa account, thus delaying the shipping of my shiny new DSLR camera (Canon XTi) Forcing me to further upgrade the shipping to one-day, so I get it before the weekend. Don't you know the suffering of a geek awaiting a new toy?
Nuts. I'll just use American Express. I was going to cancel the amazon card anyway.
Friday, January 05, 2007
This is what I get for sharing a name with a herb
Rosemary is one of nature’s most powerful antioxidants, says Zick...research is currently underway to determine rosemary’s potential cancer-prevention properties.
I can't decide if this is way cool, or highly ironic. Actually, I think it's cool, maybe I should start chewing on my hair and fingernails to help prevent the return of the melanoma.
Hungry? Chew on my finger, it's rich in antioxidants.
PS, yes I said "a herb" not "an herb" there's an aitch in it.
I can't decide if this is way cool, or highly ironic. Actually, I think it's cool, maybe I should start chewing on my hair and fingernails to help prevent the return of the melanoma.
Hungry? Chew on my finger, it's rich in antioxidants.
PS, yes I said "a herb" not "an herb" there's an aitch in it.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Belated year in review meme
1. Will you be looking for a new job? Weirdly, yes, possibly. I might end up not having to, and I might have one (or two) already lined up, but most likely my work situation will change this year. This is only just sinking in for me though.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship? No. Well, I'd like to have a new and improved relationship with my body and health.
3. New house? I'm ALWAYS looking for a new house, I inherited my Mother's real estate lust. Not seriously looking though.
4. What will you do different in '07? I'm not sure, I think I have been figuring out pretty good approaches to stuff, I don't want much very different, just more continuation of the good trends, dropping off of any bad trends.
5. New Years resolution? The usual repeat of "get into regular exercise routine", and a more serious take on last year's "get into graduate school".
6. What will you not be doing in '07? Getting cancer. Having surgery and general anaesthesia (I hope).
7. Any trips planned? Scotland in August baby. I hope Virgin Atlantic sets aside some nice price deals for me.
8. Wedding plans? Might be attending two, if they happen this year, no dates are set.
9. Major thing on your calendar? Class registration deadline for this semester, FIFTH ANNIVERSARY of meeting my husband, Application deadline for MPH program. June may or may not be a big fat mess.
10. What can't you wait for? The world to change for me. (It will never happen: I have to change my perception)
11. What would you like to see happen different? Shouldn't that be differently?
12. What about yourself will you be changing? Depression. Fears of pursuing further education, fears of inadequacy in my career.
13. What happened in 06 that you didn't think would ever happen? I got melanoma, I never really thought that would happen, but I feared it would. I developed a strong wish to be able to hide my face from the world. I survived.
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about? I hope so. Not just "nice" either, warm and loving and the bringer of cookies and sympathy.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06? Probably not. I might get different coloured sneakers.
16. Will you start or quit drinking? Caffeine, quite likely. Alcohol? No. We nave nice wines laid down.
17. Will you better your relationship with your family? I hope so.
18. Will you do charity work? I probably won't, that's a few New Year's Resolutions down the line I think.
19. Will you go to bars? Not a lot, most likely only restaurants, and maybe some pubs in Scotland.
20. Will you be nice to people you don't know? Yes. Unless they are molesting me. Subway ass grabber don't deserve politeness.
21. Do you expect 07 to be a good year for you? Yes. I'm not sure I've really had a bad year, not totally so. Even when most depressed.
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now? Immensely. Not at all.
23. Do you plan on having a child? Not this year.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now? Yes, I'm blessed with a gaggle of great friends.
25. Major lifestyle changes? I would like to continue making smallish changes that all add up to "major" change, I'm not intending to initiate any major changes by themselves, though by the end of the year I'll know if 2008 will see me become a grad student.
26. Will you be moving? I hope not!
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 07 that happened in 06? Pressing myself unrealistically fast with plans for grad school, failing to take the GRE.
28. What are your New Years Eve plans? (This is a bit late I suppose) I spent the evening with friends, alternating between my flat, and my neighbor's. Mostly we were at their place, that's where the alcohol was.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight? I did. My husband. And a few other people, but they didn't get any tongue.
30. One wish for 07? Health and stability. Or does that count as two? Stability then.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
New dining table!
The new opiate of the masses (that's consumerism, the new religion of the developed world) struck us yesterday, as I was at COSTCO buying foodage for our Hogmanay party I passed by this lovely dining table, which exactly fits the "dream table" Matt and I described to each other, and never found, when shopping for such a thing three years ago. The price was very good, and the thing is ridiculously solid, with a lovely finish. Not as dark as this photo makes it look. I stood and petted it for a few minutes thinking "oh boy, if I tell Matt about this, we're gonna spend some unplanned money...but it's preeeeetty". Then I went home and told him about it. A few hours later, after two trips to transport the matching chairs, we've got it set up in our dining room/area/corner. It has two removable leaves, which we will not need in this flat, fully extended it seats 10-12, sans extensions it seats 6, maybe 8, it's a real "grown up" dining table.
Thus continues our collection of slightly oversized furniture, pushing the limits of what our flat can comfortably contain.
This photo also shows off the silly new top I bought the other day, retro early 1970's giant daisies and lots of cleavage aren't my usual look, but I like it a lot, it's surprisingly flattering, and stopped reminding Matt of his Grandma's apron as soon as I put it on.
Thus continues our collection of slightly oversized furniture, pushing the limits of what our flat can comfortably contain.
This photo also shows off the silly new top I bought the other day, retro early 1970's giant daisies and lots of cleavage aren't my usual look, but I like it a lot, it's surprisingly flattering, and stopped reminding Matt of his Grandma's apron as soon as I put it on.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Cat Toy
I got a skirt for our tree to hide the ugly wire base. I'm very happy with the skirt I found: it looks a little retro, like it could conceivably be a decoration one of us has had since childhood. Having all new Christmas decorations still feels strange to me, even with our tradition of giving each other an ornament each year, to create traditions and memories, we've only had 4 Christmases together, that doesn't quite compete with "I can't remember a Christmas whithout this candle holder/tin goose/clothespin angel".
Anyway. The skirt is about 70% wool, which gives it a nice felty appearance, and makes it very attractive for cats to sit on. Right now Tali is curled up taking a nap under the tree. At least he has calmed down and started treating it like a napping spot, instead of as a giant cat toy. As soon as I put the skirt down both beasties were exceedingly interested, they insinuated themselves under the tree and sniffed and patted at the snowflake designs, you can see here what happened when Tali found the buttons around the back, he managed to unbutton one of them with his teeth before I told him off and sent him to the corner to chew on some ribbons and think about what a naughty cat he is. Well, the ribbon chewing is what happened when I banished him from undertreeland. He made a beeline for the bag of gifts waiting to go to my car.
He's getting really good at responding to a stern "Tali...What are you doing?" by sitting up straight in the middle of the room looking super prim and innocent. I think he practices his "who...me?" face in the mirror while we're out.
Tomorrow I'm heading North to the not-so-frozen wastelands of Los Angeles, picking my sister up at the airport on the way to spend Christmas with my parents at granny's house. Matt is following on by train on Friday evening. Hopefully the tree will survive being alone with two bored cats until we return 4 days later. I'm looking forward to presenting Mum, Dad and Eve with their scarves.
Anyway. The skirt is about 70% wool, which gives it a nice felty appearance, and makes it very attractive for cats to sit on. Right now Tali is curled up taking a nap under the tree. At least he has calmed down and started treating it like a napping spot, instead of as a giant cat toy. As soon as I put the skirt down both beasties were exceedingly interested, they insinuated themselves under the tree and sniffed and patted at the snowflake designs, you can see here what happened when Tali found the buttons around the back, he managed to unbutton one of them with his teeth before I told him off and sent him to the corner to chew on some ribbons and think about what a naughty cat he is. Well, the ribbon chewing is what happened when I banished him from undertreeland. He made a beeline for the bag of gifts waiting to go to my car.
He's getting really good at responding to a stern "Tali...What are you doing?" by sitting up straight in the middle of the room looking super prim and innocent. I think he practices his "who...me?" face in the mirror while we're out.
Tomorrow I'm heading North to the not-so-frozen wastelands of Los Angeles, picking my sister up at the airport on the way to spend Christmas with my parents at granny's house. Matt is following on by train on Friday evening. Hopefully the tree will survive being alone with two bored cats until we return 4 days later. I'm looking forward to presenting Mum, Dad and Eve with their scarves.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Fluffy Medicine
Marble has just made my day by climbing into a newly cleared out cubby on the desk, and chasing her tail. Now she's done with the tail, she is thunking her head noisily against the roof of her formica cave, biffing at a pencil case, and purring at me.
I may have a cold that is developing into a sinus/chest infection, and am still waiting for my cold medicine to help de-clog my head, but I can't be unhappy, because I have a little furry nutcase to love and entertain me.
I tried to get a photo, but she left the desk to follow me when I went to find the camera.
I may have a cold that is developing into a sinus/chest infection, and am still waiting for my cold medicine to help de-clog my head, but I can't be unhappy, because I have a little furry nutcase to love and entertain me.
I tried to get a photo, but she left the desk to follow me when I went to find the camera.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Shiny
My new music/camera/phone arrived today, I have been able to figure out uploading my phone numbers, and using the camera, all while sick and spacy. This is good, this means it's intuitive to use. I really like the interface, the screen is sharp, the buttons are easy to press, this is the most excited by a new phone I have ever been. Usually it's more a case of "ok, it works", or with my other Sony, the phone I picked because it was a free world phone, it was a case of "what the hell? where's the text messaging? where's my address book? these buttons are TOO TINY!" This phone also has a screen on the outside, that tells me who's calling, so I answer by opening the phone, but don't have to open the phone to see who it is. Nifty. I have already found that feature to be much more convenient.
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